No more guilt

I received a few comments on yesterday's post and was about to answer them, but thought I had enough to say to warrant another post as an answer.

I grew up in a very straight-laced Catholic household and went to Catholic school and church every Sunday. Religion was force-fed to me seven days a week, 365 days a year. Since I am (and probably always have been though I didn't know quite how to express it) a believer that religion is an opiate of the masses, I was understandably chagrined by this. I stopped going to church right after my 18th birthday. This was (is) a huge source of contention between my mother and I. I'd always played the good little girl but I hated every minute of the hypocritical lecturing that goes on. I would look around at the people in church and watch most of them casually commit sins every day, then go to confessional to rid themselves of the guilt. Even as a child I knew there was something wrong about the whole process.

My strict religious upbringing produced a timid woman. To say that premarital sex was taboo is like saying a landfill smells a little funny. I felt hopelessly guilty for being attracted to men (not that it stopped me). My mother reinforced this guilt and kept me under her thumb. Our "birds and bees" lecture was extremely clinical and without emotion. I can remember being embarrassed by my breasts, which seemed to develop faster than the other girls'. When I did "become a woman", I was not allowed to use tampons. Much later when I asked why they were forbidden, my father became suspicious and came to me later asking if I had had sex. He was sweet and gentle and very accepting. He did not betray my trust and told me that it didn't make me a bad person or dirty. I will always remember that and respect him for it. But my mother's influence was solid and my sexual education was awful. I can't remember a truly good experience and I rarely orgasmed. I was married at age 19 and the old standard of "obey your husband" rang in my ears. I was dedicated to that premise and he took advantage. In my mother's defense, she didn't understand what marriage could be like - my father is a wonderful man. It never occurred to her that a man could be such an ass. I was separated at age 21 and divorced by age 23.

When I was 26, I went back to college. The most personally beneficial class I took was Human Sexuality. That's where I finally learned that not everyone lives by a lopsided moral code. Sex is not dirty or wrong, it's an expression between two people. ANY two people. Who am I to tell you what is right and wrong? Yes, my judgement may be tainted by my ethnocentric views, culture and personal upbringing, but I can choose not to judge you. Just because I don't like or understand something doesn't mean it's wrong. My entire university experience led me to this understanding, the sex class just relaxed my views on sex itself. So though I lost my virginity when I was 18, I learned how to enjoy my experiences eight years later. I credit that very talented professor with opening my eyes and allowing me to experience life.

Now we may all be getting a little more accepting of sex in the world around us, but I'm not fooled. A man who has slept with 50 women is a stud, a woman with the same history is a slut. I have learned that it is necessary to keep my mouth shut about who I have been with. I am very particular about my partners. It's not my job to sleep with anyone. If it does not please me, I'm not going to do it to please anyone else. A bad lover never gets to come back. And frankly, I see nothing wrong with keeping a regular lover. I find that very long periods of no sex (I went two years without sex in college) make me so crazy I am liable to do something I may not have normally done.

And so, this very long journey has brought me here. I have shed the prejudicial teachings of my past and have learned that there are all types of people in the world. I have grown a thick skin and have learned to disregard the labels and judgements of others. Within reason. I do what I have to do to get by in the civilized world, but my house in MINE. You do not get to tell me what is acceptable or "right" here. Whatever I choose to do (without being illegal, of course) with a consenting partner is my own decision. (I do, however, respect the bonds of matrimony - married men are definitely off limits!) And you don't get to tell me what to think. I may not find some things a turn-on myself, but I fully support other's rights to do them if they so choose. Frankly, I'm pretty damn happy with me. I can hold my head high - I have nothing to apologize for.

Finally, I can understand completely why society views the BDSM world as unseemly. We all, at some point in our lives, have been taught to vilify that which we do not understand and I am no exception. I was horrified by some of the aspects of this lifestyle when I first encountered it. The difference here is that I was drawn to it and took the time to learn about it. Anyone who is truly involved in this lifestyle understands what love, trust and acceptance can be found in a D/s relationship. I can't make everyone understand, and I am painfully aware that I am really preaching to the choir here. Most that find their way here are kindred spirits. So a cheerful "good morning!" to you all. Thank you for being here and for leaving me snippets of your advice!

I am, and always will be, a teacher...but most importantly, I am always a student.

Whore?

I heard from Porter today. It was just a "hello" because he saw me online. I guess he still has me on his IM friends list. Since I don't have him on the list, I never really looked for him. And I didn't add him again this time either. I was polite, but I think he's getting the picture. I'm not going to satisfy his curiosity about the lifestyle whenever it's convenient for him. I don't like posers.

I got a nice long hard look at The Doorman yesterday. He was beautiful as ever and the quintessential gentleman. There is still tension between us (the very good kind), but it's not something I will pursue. I found out he is being transferred. It will be to a place where I am unlikely to run into him often, but I will know where to find him. It's a good place for him though. He will do well.

Yesterday we were watching the original CSI on TV. It was the episode where a professional Domme's employee is murdered. One of my coworkers walked in and said: "
Oh, I've seen this one. She's a whore." I was stunned. I mean, I shouldn't be, but.... This is what people really do think. It amazes me what you can tell and show the public and how much of it they truly pay attention to. I thought the woman portrayed a professional Domme in a very dignified way. The character was strong and confident, intelligent and thoughtful. It's just so sad that the casual observer would immediately classify this woman as a whore.

I'm still recovering from a week of very little rest. It would be nice to have someone here skilled in massage and pedicures. And saratoga's mention of pussyworship has not gone unnoticed either.... That is something I am in need of!

Memorials

Today I met a man who had a chest full of medals, sleeves lined with aging gold stripes and a demeanor that told me he was comfortable with a life commanding others. His face lined with age and, by his own admission, his memory fading. He payed me one of the most undeserved compliments today by thanking me for what I do professionally. My eyes stung with tears. A man, with a purple heart quite prominently displayed on his chest is thanking me for doing my job. I couldn't even speak. His scars were earned in Vietnam. How do you thank a man for serving, and then thank him for the hell he lives every day in memory of that service?

One morning a few years ago I was getting ready to go to breakfast when I kept hearing this name on the news. This familiar name of a man; an F-18 pilot lost in the Indian Ocean - proably dead. When I came back into the room, they had a picture of him up. He was the ex-boyfriend of a dear friend of mine. They had parted because he was to go to school elsewhere for a year. She still very much loved him. A few days later I found a picture of the two of them together. It broke her heart.

I've stood in Arlington Cemetary and watched the burial of the broken pieces of a friend's brother who died in a aircraft crash in Iraq fighting in the war. I've worked with men who have been sent there and died; I've worked with men recently who will be going there soon. Freedom is not free. We pay for our selfish lifestyles with the blood of our children, siblings, spouses and lovers.

These men and women protect us. Support them. Thank them.

Nostalgia

I have an innate love for old hollywood and their flair for movie making. Sometimes I wonder if imagination has died and been replaced with CGI graphics. Such a loss... This little quiz makes me want to hibernate and watch old movies all day. I wish I could. I turned out to be Bette Davis, by the way.

I was up quite late last night. It's the first time in a long time I can remember going to bed and sleeping for about two hours, then not being able to sleep any longer. I surfed the net for a bit and then went back to try to sleep more. I managed to get a few winks in between being disturbed by the noisy "neighbors". I will definitely need to take a few day's break. I go back tomorrow night, but should get a break later in the week. I've decided to donate blood as well. It's something I do when I can, but I'll need the rest after that.

Things are quiet. Newcomer was supposed to leave for the weekend, but has changed his plans. No matter, I decided to work and he's busy unpacking his belongings that just arrived from overseas. I know it must be a relief for him to now be surrounded by his own things. I look forward to finally seeing his place soon.

Whenever I seem to float away from the BDSM lifestyle, something always seems to peak my interest again. Sometimes it's the nostalgic musings of someone's memories of a partner, sometimes its imagining a particular person bent over my favorite stool, ass high in the air... I wish it were easy to start such a relationship, to just instinctively know what a chosen person needs, how far to go, what to say. I haven't perfected my approach as of yet. Some people expect you to only be "in character" when they have decided to play. That seems too forced - things should happen more naturally than that. Patience. It takes a long time to know someone so well that you instinctively react to them and can communicate the most subtle of your thoughts between you. It doesn't happen overnight. I'm almost bowled over by some of the women I have seen in the more "amateur" sites. Very demanding, not at all particular. Devotion is not automatic - a Domina must earn that too. And just because you're willing to grovel at my feet does not mean you automatically get a spot in my heart. You have to bring more to the table than that. There is nothing so attractive to me than a strong man. One worthy of taming. (It seems I am quite demanding...)

It's hot - over 90 degrees right now and I'm feeling a bit sluggish. I have turned on the AC for the first time. It has a very cucooning effect - having all of the windows closed and the cool, noisy air blowing. Makes me wish I had a cool, dark dungeon in which to leave a toy dangling from a ring in the wall. I am feeling quite sadistic today. Not sexual, not seeking to fulfill some carnal feeling, but wishing to leave a mark on a fresh backside. A blindfold, ear plugs, hands bound above his head, legs spread wide and shackled so they cannot be moved. I don't want him to hear me coming, hear the swish of the crop, anticipate the strike. I just want to hear him catch his breath every time the crop falls. I want to leave him there for a while, maybe watch him struggle when he thinks I've left the room. Watch him defile himself. And just when he thinks he is alone.... a fresh set of marks on his thighs and ass. I may be in the mood for introducing a large plug, or even a strap-on. I am fond of making my subs aware of what it's like for a woman to suck cock and be fucked. Their perspective does change so much. I think every man should have to experience it. And I do love a virgin.... I'm not harsh, but I don't let them out of it.

For right now, I will have to just imagine. I think Laertes will be the object of my dreams tonight...

Just a few thoughts

The bad news: By Monday I will have worked 78 hours this week. The good news: That means almost $900 in overtime. It's just criminal. I hope this trend continues.

I'm hoping that Monday I will be seeing The Doorman. Unfortunately, his live-in girlfriend is sure to be there as well. She's a mousy little thing but I have good reason to believe she guards her man like a starving dog would guard its food. The image of bared teeth and raised hackles being completely intentional, by the way.

I find myself lacking in the desire to seduce or be seduced at the moment. I'm not really sure what the reason is for my waning libido. Maybe fatigue, lack of appropriate stimulation, or boredom? Usually I amuse myself with the elements of seduction, fully aware when someone is trying to seduce me or focusing on a particular mark. For those I am not interested in, I feign ignorance when they come after me. I am, however, hopeful at the prospect of seeing Laertes tomorrow. It has been quite a while since I have felt a palpable heat between myself and another, and he provided a small amount last time I saw him. One of my Achilles Heels has always been a strong man standing behind me, wrapping his arms around me. Laertes did this Monday night and I quickly moved away from him, recognizing the effect it had on me. It would not do to allow him to see that. *sigh* I wonder if he is as naive as Mistress M thinks he is. One day I should have an answer to that question.

Yesterday saratoga posted this entry in his blog about the Humbler and a lovely picture accompanies it. It's been only a week and a half since I tanned a man's hide, and it reminded me how very much I need to do it again soon. Miss D has been in touch and apparently her husband has been quite bad. He went out of town and attended a strip club where he received a lap dance. Both actions were not approved by his Mistress. I suggested making him sleep on the floor. I just sent her a picture of a humbler - maybe she will acquire one for him. Or better yet, make one of canes - that seems so much more effective.

Ah. Maybe my libido is not so dormant after all....

Laertes surfaces

My mind has been a little preoccupied with work lately. Not because I'm stressed. I am trying to maximize my training and work opportunities. I had decided to get a part-time job, but I won't really need to if I expand my knowledge. Ah, what a wonderful life. I'm sorry it took me so long to find it.

Porter has discovered that I have removed him from my friends list. The following conversation took place:

porter: no longer friends?
fleur: After our last conversation I got the feeling you were pretty much done with this
porter: i just mentioned that i don't have allot of time for it at the moment. not that i didn't want to talk to you or be your friend
fleur: You cancelled our last appointment and I don't hear from you unless I contact you.
porter: sorry. my schedule changed at work and i've been working out allot.
fleur: No need to apologize. My thinking is that if you can't make a little time for something then maybe you don't want it.
porter: ok.

This conversation occurred friday and that's the last I heard from him. He only seems to contact me when he has some particular need. "Friends"? I hardly think so...

However, speaking of friends.... Newcomer came and spent the day with me on Sunday. Despite my full weekend, I had managed to get almost all of my chores done before he arrived, so we had a nice day. We started with breakfast and came back for some play time. He has acquired some new toys since we last met. Ankle, hand and thumb cuffs, a hood, a blindfold, and a "humbler". I enjoyed the toy tour, but we only managed to use the blindfold. It was very comfortable and extremely effective.

Newcomer is fond of anal sex. Usually I have to be in a particular mood for it, but he has a tendency to not ask. Last time he tried to use a cock ring with the anal - it made him far too big to be comfortable. He pinned my hands between his chest and my back, so I left him with some scars on his chest from me clawing him as he tore into me. He's not allowed to use the ring anymore. When he finally left around 7:30, I was ready for a long sleep. I succumbed almost instantly!

And finally, Nightengale. He contacted me this morning with some not so subtle hints that he wanted to deliver a spanking to me this morning. I declined. I wasn't in the mood, and not even close to being in a submissive head-space at all. My mind was still immersed in my morning work routine and some conflict resolution there. I hadn't been home for more than an hour yet. Aside from my mood, our contact has been spotty at best and my interest in a Dom has waned quite drastically. I pretty much let him know that he would have to work a little to get my interest back.

And now for boys in the real world. An interesting prospect has popped back up. He first noticed me at our christmas party last year. He swore he'd never met me before - he said he would have remembered because I'm so hot. (Oh. My. God. Does this really work when you're trying to pick up a woman? I'm sure it does, but only if the woman is keen on being picked up.) I explained to this young buck that I look decidedly different at work and many don't recognize me outside of that. It took a man I worked with on a regular basis 20 minutes to figure out who I was. I dismissed it as a sign of his liberal use of alcohol, but apparently I look dramatically different. Ah, well. I don't go to work to be pretty. Anyway, I completely dismissed this young thing's advances due to my situation with my former master and hadn't seen him in a while. Lately I've been seeing him at work often. I think I'll call him Laertes.

Laertes spends a lot of time on his physique and it shows. He has a reputation of dating only the most beautiful of women. Arm trophies. Lately I've heard that he is extremely shy and very quiet. He has been defended by others who say that although he comes off as aloof, it is only his shy nature. I think many are put off by his reputation - including me. Why, pray tell would he be interested in me? Hmmm. Last night he commented that I could do anything to him that I wanted to. I told him to be careful, he had no idea what he was asking. He said that "people talk" and that he has heard about me. I could not get him to elaborate, but he told me to not worry. I keep my two worlds fairly separated, so I was slightly alarmed by the comment. My professional life does not need to be inundated with stories of my personal life. It solidifies my reasoning that I should not date anyone I work with.

In any case, Laertes is intriguing.... My gut reaction is to play with this poor boy's mind a little, probe it to see what makes him tick. I find that I am growing into the type of woman that is far more cautious when it comes to relationships - more relaxed. I will not force anything. Let him come. Although, with his shy nature, I wonder if he will. His parting words to me were of the nature of "I will have to live with my fantasies". I replied, "Well, if that's the way you want to keep it, it's all you my dear."

I will amuse myself with this little game. For now.

Housekeeping

Well, Porter has been evicted from my IM list as well as from my list of friends on the website. I'm not angry with him, it's not that I find him distasteful, it's just a matter of practicality. I had a very brief conversation with him the other day and it was very bland. We obviously don't mesh well, and I'm not prepared to be someone's wet nurse. So long and good luck to him.

Nightengale has resurfaced. I was beginning to believe that his excuses of "so busy" were just the big brush-off and told him so. He assures me that this is not so. I have been promised punishment for my assumptions, but I won't hang my hat on that either. I suspect that the next few months are very busy for me. Anyone who wants to see me will probably have to make an appointment.

On another note, those of you who have read my other blog - the one written while I was a submissive - may remember The Doorman. For those of you who don't, let me recap:

The Doorman is one of the most beautiful men I've ever seen. I've known him for a few years, but thought he was just a little too "sweet" for me. He is about 6', dark hair and eyes and always starched and pressed. He looks good no matter what. He's always had a way of looking at me that made me very much aware that I would not be in charge. I was always the first to look away. Our recognition of attraction for one another came while I was very much with my former master. As a matter of fact, he seemed jealous of The Doorman - apparently I was unaware of how I could go on about him. Of course, nothing came of it and we rarely talk now.

I was surprised to find that The Doorman was attending the same funeral service that I was this week. I spent most of the day with him, including the long trip there and back. We were not alone, so we didn't talk about anything substantial. There was one moment where he held my gaze and I felt that familiar pull to him. Of course I still have to shut all of that off and bury it deep. Things would never work, but it's nice to dream... It was a very pleasant day, my mind wandering at every opportunity.

I mentioned to Newcomer that I'd spent the day with The Doorman and haven't heard from him since either. I'm not overly concerned, but it seems odd that he would have had a problem with the idea. It must be a coincidence.

I'm very tired now, so I'll go get a little rest. Adieu...