War Rages

I'm beginning to notice the effect work has on me. For almost the whole next day I live in a world I can't quite describe. I will remember the faces in agony, panic, and pain pleading with me to make it better. The very weight of the responsibility is mind-numbing and when someone else takes over, I often breathe an audible sigh of relief. It's someone else's turn. I love my work, but I can't believe that they trust me with this. It took me a long while, but I have found my place. I understand that I must be very careful. Sometimes I feel like an emotionless observer of the human condition. Of course, that's what I need to be and what is expected of me. Otherwise, I'd need to be committed.

So it's no wonder to me that I choose to live this lifestyle outside of work. I find though that a battle of my "selves" rages in my heart. Part of me wants a nice, normal, "vanilla" relationship full of hearts and roses, part of me wants a slave to care for and discipline, and part of me wants a Master to use me and care for me. There's only one thing these three women want in common: love. I adore the feeling of the crop in my hand and the way a slave jumps when it strikes. I love having that vulnerable ass propped in the air, knowing what I can do, but also knowing that the poor sub is trusting me to use good judgement. There's also a part of me that absolutely adored the discipline and pain of being a slave myself. It's clear that I am looking for something permanent. Someone who will share this with me, regardless of what roles we choose to live in. And there you have it. But...I have to admit - the Domme in me is winning by a mile!

So where, you may ask, does this epiphany come from? I was the lone female at work yesterday and one of the men commented that all of the women that he knows are looking for the "perfect man". It occurred to me that I am not looking for the "perfect" man, but a man that is perfect for me. And there is a very distinct difference there.

An update on Porter: The boy sent a message that his schedule had changed and that he would not be able to make this morning's meeting. I am having a very hard time believing him. I believe the boy has cold feet. We will see.

I have an appointment tomorrow evening to have my first session with a FemDom couple. The plan is to have me waiting with her when he comes home from work. I would love to see him bound immediately upon his arrival, but I will see what she has in mind. Updates to come later this weekend.