Dry spell

I've been inactive lately. No sex, no games. It's been a busy and stressful summer so far. Work is making me sick, I fear. It seems like very often I become violently ill the day after I work. This didn't happen for the first year. I'm beginning to wonder if it has something to do with the buildings I've been working in lately. Maybe a mold issue. I've become a little weary of spending almost 24 hours after I work kneeling in front of the loo.

As for the no sex, no games...well, the situations are not presenting themselves. Nightengale has decided that he can't even be polite enough to answer me, which I find horrifically rude. I told him that his lack of common courtesy solidifies my deduction that he is not worth knowing, let alone serving. Suits me fine since I haven't been in a serving mood for quite some time. Newcomer has been out of touch. I'm not really all that worried about it - bad fit and all. It was nice to get a little attention every now and again, but he tends to linger way too long. I need my space. Porter is out of town for a few weeks doing some training. He popped into IM a couple of times before he left and assures me he'll contact me when he gets back. I haven't logged into IM in a while, so I have no idea who has been around. I'm not worried - I'm just not one of those people who can be "on" all the time. I am much more than the sum of my parts and I like it that way. Too much of one thing makes me feel just a bit like a nut.

Now Laertes....ahhhh Laertes. I saw him tuesday. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his cheek. I was sitting in a chair finishing some paperwork and chatting with coworkers. I had my left hand on the back of the chair and he made sure he walked by and grazed his gorgeous bottom against it. I called him a dirty boy, but I would have liked to take him somewhere and strip those awful trousers off of him and admire his physique in the form it came into the world. *sigh* I felt my libido stir ever so slightly. I quickly extinguished any thoughts and sent it back into hibernation.

I had a wonderful dream last night. I was standing in a alley somewhere and the love of my life was there with me, except he was entirely nude. I was dressed. We just stood there, holding each other, not talking. The dream was so life-like that I remember the smell of his skin, my lips on his shoulder and neck and the feel of his erection against me. We never spoke. My alarm rudely awakened me and I wanted to cry. There are days I miss him so much. I haven't seen him or heard from him in many years. Not since I told him he could not expect me to love him and still date at home while waiting for his quarterly visit. I told him to stay away unless he was ready to be with me. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wonder where he is now. Last I heard he was in South America.

I'm starting to think that short, uncomplicated friendships would be alot more lucrative than trying to find a relationship. As a matter of fact, I've almost given up on love. There is a glimmer of hope, but only a glimmer. I hate to say it, but I might just be happier this way.

Poison Pen

Today I watched the movie Quills with Geoffrey Rush, Joaquin Phoenix and Kate Winslet. It's a 2000 movie based on the Marquis de Sade's stay in a mental institution in the late 1700's. (I don't want to give away the whole candy store, just in case you wish to see it too.) It's not as salacious as one might think. It did, however prompt me to make an observation or two.

The first is that people are people are people. As much as the right wing might want you to believe, we are not all of a sudden going to hell in a handbasket. That handbasket is always well-populated in every century. Sometimes I think we would like to believe that we are all gods and goddesses not prone to the human condition. That maybe demons live among us - things that are so unlike us that they cannot possibly be made of the same material and they are responsible for anything we might find distasteful. We are mired in denial and reject that which we find "morally objectionable". A shame, I say. Or maybe I am one of the demons?

The second observation I made was in the vein of blaming something else for your own actions. Take, for instance, the idea that a movie is responsible for murderous rampages. In Quills, the Marquis de Sade's sexually explicit and violent writings are accused of similar infringements. Such powerful pen and ink to drive normally angelic men and women to wanton sex and bloody violence. I don't believe it of him, and I certainly would not give life to the supposition that a bit of celluloid can have such a profound effect. I'm not saying that this material, in the hands of someone predisposed to such activity, isn't in part responsible for giving the offender ideas. But I reject the idea that any media can change an otherwise rational person into a monster.

It was the philosopher George Santayana who said "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Maybe....but isn't it human nature to repeat ourselves? To take the same stories and repackage them in modern designs and market them as new? It seems there are no new stories, only remakes of old ones. For instance, compare:

Dangerous Liaisons and Cruel Intentions

The Taming of the Shrew and 10 Things I Hate About You

or

Emma and Clueless

Nice to know your children are watching the classics, isn't it? Even if they have no idea...

So. Time to just give up and recognize our humanity. Funny. I don't feel evil...

I'm still here...

I'm sorry, I didn't abandon you. I promise.

Recently some things have transpired that made me take a step back and sit quietly. You know, just watch, listen and be completely quiet. I have these moments from time to time, and they are usually triggered when someone alarms me or threatens my anonymity. It's not that I am ashamed, but I am a realist. I love my career and NOTHING gets in the way of that. This most certainly would raise some eyebrows in my community. Sometimes I just shut down and go into stealth mode until I feel comfortable again.

I've been working ALOT lately on top of duties still related to work, but not generating any cash flow. I'm certainly not complaining - all of it has been wonderful. It's just that work has overloaded my head. It's easy to let that happen. And with the summer here, there is overtime available and all sorts of other things going on. I've also had a few days of just feeling ill as hell. I'm not sure what's up with that, but I may have had a revelation. Right in the middle of my run the other day I realized that I had stopped drinking soda cold turkey. Now I still have a healthy dose of caffeine every day (there's NO WAY I'm giving up coffee), I stopped ingesting quite a bit of sugar. My body still thinks it's getting sugar, but it's not. But the fact that I cut out a huge source of sugar in my diet leads me to wonder if maybe that's the reason I felt sick for four days. I once went on a carb-free diet and got so sick on day 2 that I threw up all day. My body HATES the drastic changes. I'm sure it's not just me.

Porter has sent me a message or two lately. Nothing really important, just a "hey, are you there" kind of thing. I'm not pressed for BDSM-type company, so I haven't really worried too much about it. My mind has been elsewhere. I find myself craving it some days, but what's a girl to do? Most of the contacts I've had lately are of the desperate "Oh please abuse me Mistress, even though I know nothing about you! Call me at 1-888-555-1234" variety. Good lord, men. Get a grip. It makes me just a little turned off to the lifestyle. I know there are good people out there...where the hell are you??

I'm losing faith!

Tragedy

We are in mourning once again. To my deceased brothers:

Ar dheis D'o raibh a anam,
Sl'agus beannacht leat.

To those that survive, those who now and forever live in my heart:

Gra, Dilseacht, Cairdeas.

If you're expecting perfect, go look somewhere else

Just stopping in a for a minute. I'm in the middle of a marathon work week that is at present beating me up.

So I'm not sure if it's just being tired, but I find myself a little testy of late. I'm a pretty sensitive person. I may come off as a hard-hitting bitch, but I really take criticism to heart. I've gotten quite a bit lately and it's taking it's toll. I deleted my rant the other day because it just didn't seem fair to vent about something that is a touchy subject for me. It makes me look hot-headed and irrational. I can believe what I want to believe, but it's unrealistic to think that I should need to or even want to change the mind of the world. I need to just be happy being who I am and let others be. And I am. Happy being me, that is. I just feel a little judged is all. And that makes me weary. It's also making me want to climb under the covers and hide. Sometimes I hate being human.

So far there's been relatively little contact for me with anyone new. I'm not sure I'm in the mood to cultivate it anyway. You may not be aware of it, but some of you out there are very difficult to keep up with. (Not that I'm saying that you want me to, of course.) Sometimes it boggles my mind the limitless thoughts and activities this life brings. I do find it excruciatingly difficult sometimes to live up to particular submissives' standards of what a Domme should or should not "be". I understand the irony of that statement, by the way. Sometimes I feel that my techniques and stories are being minutely dissected and analyzed by those I have never met. It makes me self-conscious and almost unwilling to share anything with you. I keep reminding myself that I am using this medium as a cathartic way of expressing myself and a way of keeping a history I can go back and reference when needed. I should not be worried about what you think at all.

I'll be working on that.

Happy Hump Day

It's going to be rough for the next week, so this may be my only post for a few days. We'll see what kind of trouble I can get myself into in between working an obscene number of hours in the next five days. Sorry to those of you who thought I should buy the kick-ass shoes. Overtime makes the debt go away.... and then I can buy a house of my own. The plans for a dungeon are already forming in my head!

It looks like I'm going to have a perfect week. In my world, that means I got my lilly-white European-American behind up every morning at 5am for seven days to run. I find that my right ankle hurts briefly each time. I'm not sure if it's the shoes, my gait or if I'm over/under pronating. It's not horrible, it doesn't last long after I stop running, and therefore not terminal. I'm not a fast runner, but hell. I'm damn proud of myself. I'm looking forward to the annual 5k in August.

Today I put up a new hummingbird feeder. I had noticed I was getting quite a few of the tiny little visitors over the last couple of days looking for my buffet. In between the thunder, lightning and hail today, they've been coming by regularly. It's one of my simple little pleasures. If I sit really still near the feeder and wear mirrored sunglasses, they come close to check me out. They are territorial little things and make quite a high-pitched, chirpy racket. Such balls for something that weighs less than 7 ounces.

So it's hump day. I'm beginning to feel celibate lately. I'm not looking for sex in particular, but I do miss intimacy. I know that for sure because I don't lack for available partners, I just don't have the desire to have sex for the sake of having sex. I can do that for myself, thank you. I have a lovely anal toy - my favorite just because it looks like a small, hard cock. It's similar to the one pictured at left, but a little longer. I've recently grown to like anal sex, but I am even more enthralled with giving it. I've tried to figure out where this came from. I'd have to say that it's not the anal that is the focus here, but the thrill of making someone want something they've always said they would not do. Anal seems to be the most common thing for men, so that's where I seem to have settled.

I was one of those women who, in younger days, said I would NEVER have anal sex. Right around the time I turned 27 I dated a man who changed my perspective. He talked about it, but never in that way that makes a woman roll her eyes and think "oh god, not this AGAIN". He would lie me on my stomach and whisper in my ear, all the while stroking my back, ass and then finally putting slight pressure on the sphincter until I begged him to insert his finger. The first time he refused, building my desire and anticipation for the next time. We broke up before he ever got me to the point of actually putting his cock in my ass. That was where I learned what was involved in getting someone to want to do something they say they don't want, to actually beg for it. It was interesting and thrilling being on that side of it, but it's so much more fulfilling to be on this side. Knowing that your submissive is struggling mentally against doing what he may consider a homosexual act, wanting to feel what it's like and wanting to please his Mistress is an intoxicating thing. Maybe it's a matter of wanting it, but liking the idea of feeling they have no responsibility for making the decision to do it. I've been in that position before - a total relinquishment of responsibility.

Maybe that's why Porter is such a draw for me. He struggles with this so much, but wants it so badly. Watching him surrender to it is very nice indeed.

Just passing through

I saw these shoes on sale for $39. How hot are they???

Thing is, I just can't justify buying them right now. I don't wear these things on a regular basis anymore and it just wouldn't be very responsible of me.

But they are SO cute... And lethal looking!

There's a major thunderstorm rolling through right now, so I'm cutting this short in case I lose power. They're talking about hail, strong gusty winds and heavy rain. I know...I love it to. If only I had company...