What's right

Lately I've been thinking alot about what's right. Not so much about what's right in general, but what's right for me. I'd been doing some research on Humanism and motivational theories. It struck me that I could almost see some people's motivations based on the way we interacted.

A while back I was conversing with a submissive that I only "knew" through electronic communication. After a few conversations I knew that although he seemed fascinating, he would never be right for me. It was interesting to see how his mind worked, what he expected and how he communicated with his Mistresses. I noticed pretty quickly that he really loved to re-hash his experiences. I suspect that he cared alot less how the person he communicated with saw him than he did about getting his thrill by reliving his experiences. He dominated the conversations quickly and seemed to always want to draw everything back to an experience he'd had with this Mistress or that. It grew tedious to the point where I would hide from him online so I wouldn't feel obligated to listen, so to speak. He is an intelligent, well spoken gentleman, but not someone I would be interested in playing with. It doesn't make him a bad person, nor is my opinion relevant to anyone other than myself. It just is.

I've realized that humans had an ingrained need to feel included - to be accepted. A rejection of any sort is devastating. Despite knowing this, rejection doesn't hurt any less. Maybe one of the benefits of growing older is recognizing that there's nothing wrong with you because you don't "click" with every person you meet. Nor will you be universally adored by all. What matters is what you feel when you look in the mirror. I have long learned that all of those things I was taught as a child may have no place in my life. Sex is not dirty (in the negative sense, of course) and women who have it are not necessarily whores. Everyone must make these decision for themselves and about themselves. Just because you believe that sleeping with more than one man makes you a whore doesn't mean everyone agrees with you, or must agree with you. And because I like to be dominated at times, wearing stockings and not panty hose and high heels does not make me a throwback to the 1800s. I'm not going to conform just because you say it's right.

Sister, find your own way. Screw what I think.

Creating my own fantasy

Despite what it may seem, I have not fallen off of the face of the earth. I've been working, taking classes, becoming neurotic about my finances.... I think that's about it.

I've decided that unless I become a multi-millionaire, I should buy a house and settle in this place. If I do become a millionaire, it really won't be an issue - I can just buy houses wherever I want and live in them when I feel like it. In lieu of that much money, I need to pick a place here and get on with it. Up until now it's just been too much of a commitment. I've decided that paying more in rent than most people pay for a mortgage just might be a waste of my money. And so I've been putting my credit under a microscope so that by the end of the year I will be moving into "MY" place.

I've attended two classes (that will eventually get me three certifications) and will be attending another in about a week. They are necessary for promotional opportunities, not to mention they also give me a Plan B in case I should be unable to continue in my present position. It is not uncommon for people in my line of work to get hurt to the point that they are medically retired. Being healthy at this time, it will give me an opportunity to work part-time teaching. I think I'd rather enjoy that.

So with having to leave the house and go to class every day, I had the opportunity to wear street clothes, makeup and jewelry. I haven't done that in about three years. It was nice to be back in my power suits and boots. I felt like a woman again. That feeling had been slipping away from me for quite some time.

The last few months have seen no sexual activity whatsoever. Not for the lack of men trying.... I have no desire to have an affair with a man sneaking around behind his wife's back. It stinks of lies and desperation. That is something I don't tolerate in my men. There is one in particular who has insulted me multiple times with his drooling compliments and sniveling. He sent me a message yesterday saying "Whatever I've done to make you mad, I'm sorry." For pete's sake. First: You have no idea if you've made me mad because I haven't jumped at the chance to talk to you on the phone every day. Second: If you don't know what you did, how can you be sorry for it?

This poor excuse for a man had this conversation with me recently:

FB (commenting on a "blossoming" romance): "I had seen him more with someone like me rather than like her."

Jello: "Well, I don't want to share you with anyone else."

FB: "I am not yours to share. And YOU are a married man."

Jello: "Now is this the time or place to talk about that!?"

FB: "Obviously it is if you continue to make comments like that."

I have told him repeatedly not to say things like that to me. He calls me constantly, wants me to go to lunch with him while I'm in class, tells me how classy I look and how he likes class in a woman. I do not care what he likes. He has passed the point of annoying long ago has has progressed now to just plain ticking me off. If I don't answer my phone he'll call me again. If I don't answer a second time he sends me a text. I am not his girlfriend. My god if I have to hear the speech about how "My wife and I are just staying together for the kid's sake" speech from one more man....

Changing subjects... I heard from Porter a while back. He's out of the country but sends me e-mail every now and again. I haven't been on any of the BDSM sites or talked to any of my friends in the lifestyle lately. I know one of my couple acquaintances (the couple I played with last summer) are buying a house, so they'll be out of commission until that is finalized. I'm in no hurry.

I've had a recurring fantasy lately. I am the hostess of a party which includes couples of all denominations. The Masters/Mistresses are clothed to their liking, the slaves are dressed so that their genitalia are exposed. The men in nothing but tights with their cocks and balls free, the women in corsettes just under their breasts and full skirts tucked at the waist to expose them. All slaves are wearing color-coded bracelets to indicate their specialty or what they are available for that evening. The Masters and Mistresses have agreed that their slaves can be used in any manner by any of the guests as long as they adhere to the color codes. No slave can decline an invitation, but they are allowed rest if they ask. The house is large and sprawling with a pool in the back. The rooms are set up for bondage, pain, sex, whatever is required. If a slave is not being used, they are to serve refreshments. As I expected, the slaves experienced in fellatio are extremely popular with several of the Masters waiting their turn to be serviced. There is a Mistress spanking a male slave out by the pool for daring to show his excitement at the party with an unauthorized erection.

To be continued...