Tragedy

We are in mourning once again. To my deceased brothers:

Ar dheis D'o raibh a anam,
Sl'agus beannacht leat.

To those that survive, those who now and forever live in my heart:

Gra, Dilseacht, Cairdeas.

If you're expecting perfect, go look somewhere else

Just stopping in a for a minute. I'm in the middle of a marathon work week that is at present beating me up.

So I'm not sure if it's just being tired, but I find myself a little testy of late. I'm a pretty sensitive person. I may come off as a hard-hitting bitch, but I really take criticism to heart. I've gotten quite a bit lately and it's taking it's toll. I deleted my rant the other day because it just didn't seem fair to vent about something that is a touchy subject for me. It makes me look hot-headed and irrational. I can believe what I want to believe, but it's unrealistic to think that I should need to or even want to change the mind of the world. I need to just be happy being who I am and let others be. And I am. Happy being me, that is. I just feel a little judged is all. And that makes me weary. It's also making me want to climb under the covers and hide. Sometimes I hate being human.

So far there's been relatively little contact for me with anyone new. I'm not sure I'm in the mood to cultivate it anyway. You may not be aware of it, but some of you out there are very difficult to keep up with. (Not that I'm saying that you want me to, of course.) Sometimes it boggles my mind the limitless thoughts and activities this life brings. I do find it excruciatingly difficult sometimes to live up to particular submissives' standards of what a Domme should or should not "be". I understand the irony of that statement, by the way. Sometimes I feel that my techniques and stories are being minutely dissected and analyzed by those I have never met. It makes me self-conscious and almost unwilling to share anything with you. I keep reminding myself that I am using this medium as a cathartic way of expressing myself and a way of keeping a history I can go back and reference when needed. I should not be worried about what you think at all.

I'll be working on that.

Happy Hump Day

It's going to be rough for the next week, so this may be my only post for a few days. We'll see what kind of trouble I can get myself into in between working an obscene number of hours in the next five days. Sorry to those of you who thought I should buy the kick-ass shoes. Overtime makes the debt go away.... and then I can buy a house of my own. The plans for a dungeon are already forming in my head!

It looks like I'm going to have a perfect week. In my world, that means I got my lilly-white European-American behind up every morning at 5am for seven days to run. I find that my right ankle hurts briefly each time. I'm not sure if it's the shoes, my gait or if I'm over/under pronating. It's not horrible, it doesn't last long after I stop running, and therefore not terminal. I'm not a fast runner, but hell. I'm damn proud of myself. I'm looking forward to the annual 5k in August.

Today I put up a new hummingbird feeder. I had noticed I was getting quite a few of the tiny little visitors over the last couple of days looking for my buffet. In between the thunder, lightning and hail today, they've been coming by regularly. It's one of my simple little pleasures. If I sit really still near the feeder and wear mirrored sunglasses, they come close to check me out. They are territorial little things and make quite a high-pitched, chirpy racket. Such balls for something that weighs less than 7 ounces.

So it's hump day. I'm beginning to feel celibate lately. I'm not looking for sex in particular, but I do miss intimacy. I know that for sure because I don't lack for available partners, I just don't have the desire to have sex for the sake of having sex. I can do that for myself, thank you. I have a lovely anal toy - my favorite just because it looks like a small, hard cock. It's similar to the one pictured at left, but a little longer. I've recently grown to like anal sex, but I am even more enthralled with giving it. I've tried to figure out where this came from. I'd have to say that it's not the anal that is the focus here, but the thrill of making someone want something they've always said they would not do. Anal seems to be the most common thing for men, so that's where I seem to have settled.

I was one of those women who, in younger days, said I would NEVER have anal sex. Right around the time I turned 27 I dated a man who changed my perspective. He talked about it, but never in that way that makes a woman roll her eyes and think "oh god, not this AGAIN". He would lie me on my stomach and whisper in my ear, all the while stroking my back, ass and then finally putting slight pressure on the sphincter until I begged him to insert his finger. The first time he refused, building my desire and anticipation for the next time. We broke up before he ever got me to the point of actually putting his cock in my ass. That was where I learned what was involved in getting someone to want to do something they say they don't want, to actually beg for it. It was interesting and thrilling being on that side of it, but it's so much more fulfilling to be on this side. Knowing that your submissive is struggling mentally against doing what he may consider a homosexual act, wanting to feel what it's like and wanting to please his Mistress is an intoxicating thing. Maybe it's a matter of wanting it, but liking the idea of feeling they have no responsibility for making the decision to do it. I've been in that position before - a total relinquishment of responsibility.

Maybe that's why Porter is such a draw for me. He struggles with this so much, but wants it so badly. Watching him surrender to it is very nice indeed.

Just passing through

I saw these shoes on sale for $39. How hot are they???

Thing is, I just can't justify buying them right now. I don't wear these things on a regular basis anymore and it just wouldn't be very responsible of me.

But they are SO cute... And lethal looking!

There's a major thunderstorm rolling through right now, so I'm cutting this short in case I lose power. They're talking about hail, strong gusty winds and heavy rain. I know...I love it to. If only I had company...

Warning: Iceburg, right ahead

I am tired. Very tired. Emotionally and physically. I am starting to feel that familiar pull to go into hiding until my mental exhaustion and slight depression is over. I'm not a "hey, lets go out and party so I feel better" kind of person. I hibernate.

WARNING: Rant ahead. Read at your own risk. deleted Rant concluded....for now.

As for the other developments in my life... saratoga wrote a very lengthy post today about Dominas. It made me really think about the impression I give as a Dominant. I don't want to come across as nonchalant or fickle. I am looking for a long-term loving relationship. After finishing my last post regarding Porter, I realized it felt all wrong. I have no desire to "play" at this just for the sake of playing. My intent is not casual and I am willing to hold out for that special person. saratoga just made brought it home - and not gently. And in related news... Last night Newcomer sent me a link to some clips by some vicious dominas that kind of made me wince. The women humiliated, kicked, screamed at and degraded these men to the point that I felt so bad for them as submissives. Maybe there are men out there that like this sort of thing, but it horrified me. It seemed to be a shining example of abuse rather than domination. Another style I can't get my head around. But I respect their right to enjoy it!

*sigh* Now I really am exhausted.

Surprises

The other day I went to a local health food store and they had the most beautiful flowers. My all-time favorite is white roses, but life gets boring if you get the same thing all the time. I ended up buying this lovely bouquet of peonies. I also walked out of there with fresh french bread, hummus, and blackberries. Mmmm.

Today was a beautiful day. I spent a good deal of it outside, even getting a little sun. In general I stay out of the sun - and that's why I don't look as old as I am. I paid a visit to some coworkers I haven't seen in a while, did some shopping, and then lounged in the sun reading before giving myself a pedicure. Couldn't have been better.

I have decided to write off Nightengale for good . I sent him an e-mail two weeks ago to which he has not responded, as well as a couple of IMs. Although we all get busy, I find it rude to ignore people for that amount of time. If you don't want to keep in touch, just say so.

Just as I was writing this, an IM popped up from Porter. He has been "keeping tabs" on me - his words. He looked at my profile on an alternative website on the 5th, and just as I was thinking how amusing that is, he contacted me. He said that he missed chatting with me. A few times he expressed that he thought I had turned very cold toward him. It was obvious that he held some resentment for the way he perceived that I had treated him when he "had some difficulties" and doubts. I made sure that I squelched that right away.

Now I am fully aware that some subs need to be cultivated and brought along slowly. That is the nature of this kind of relationship, particularly when the sub has no experience at all. Porter was always very paranoid and secretive, obviously ashamed of his submissive role and his desires. I tried to move gently with him, giving him vanilla time as well. From my perspective, the vanilla time backfired and scared him off. I saw it immediately and waited for him to come and talk to me about his situation. Instead of doing me the common courtesy of sitting and talking with me, he made excuses. The blog I was having him write was deleted even before we spoke again. Did he think I wouldn't notice? I had tried logging into it to see if maybe he would write his issues down if he wasn't able to speak with me about things. It always gave me good insight into his thoughts since he doesn't show much emotion. So what am I to think? He accused me of not being sympathetic, yet how can I be sympathetic when I don't know what is going on? I cut him loose. The few times he has contacted me I have been aloof, I'll admit that. But he has no right to accuse me of anything and I made that perfectly clear to him.

It was obvious that Porter wanted to come serve me last night. I found it an interesting diversion, but nothing more. If it didn't happen, I wasn't going to lose sleep over it. I decided that I would allow him to come visit on my terms. I told him that he would be expected to follow the rules of the house - upon entering his clothes must be removed and folded neatly, left on the stairs and he was to come up. He should never look me in the eye, he should always be on his knees in front of me, and he should expect to be punished. Not punished for leaving or having doubts, but punished for the way he handled himself and the lack of respect that showed toward me. He asked what his punishment would be. The last time we were together I used the wooden hairbrush on his ass, leaving bruises for a week. He would be getting the hairbrush again. 10 strokes, no safeword and no stopping in between strokes. Immediately he tried to negotiate - he spent a great deal of time on a racing bike and his ass was sore. I wasn't willing to compromise so he declined. He also wanted to spend the night so that he would be free to drink beer, to which I said no. Always with him it's a negotiation to some degree. He wants this so bad, yet is so afraid to let himself go and experience it. After his punishment I had every intention of blindfolding him, slipping a collar around his neck, plug in his ass, and leaving him to kneel at my feet with his face close to my pussy as we spoke about his situation. His lips would have been practically touching me, but not allowed to enjoy it. Now THAT I would have enjoyed.

Porter says he wants to come back. Not as a full-time sub, we are not well matched for that. He wants the opportunity to serve when he can. I am very skeptical and will be wary of him. We'll see what his intentions are. Frankly, I knew he'd be back at some point. His desire is too strong and I'm the first to get him to go this far. If nothing else, I'll learn new things with him. Normally I'd feel guilty about knowing the relationship is going nowhere, but it's a fact we both know, acknowlege and have spoken about. However, he will not take advantage of my good nature. Punishment first. And oh how I will delight in that.

Noblesse oblige syndrome

I've been wondering about our society lately. Everywhere I see signs that people truly believe everything is "about them". Why use a turn signal? I know where I'm going. Why allow anyone to get into line before me? I was here first. Why be civil at all? I think we all have Hiltonitis. I won't even go THERE. It ticks me off to no end.

(Insert verbal turn signal here. About to change direction...) I had a good amount of downtime at work the other day and took the time to look around me and think about my relationship with men in general.

When I was younger I knew how to draw men to me. It wasn't that difficult, but I always seem to draw the ones who were more interested in bedding me than getting to know me. That hasn't changed much, but my ability to recognize their motives has improved greatly. I also now realize that I used to evaluate most men I met as worthy of fucking or not withing seconds of meeting them. Sometimes the evaluation would change as I got to know them, but not very often. I often used to put a great deal of weight on their acceptance or rejection of me physically, and that was a very bad thing. I dread answering the question: "Are you attractive?" - obviously to people who cannot see me. I have no way of knowing if you will be attracted to me. And really, that's all that matters. Who cares what the world thinks? I can only describe myself to you - you can judge.

As for my perception of men....it's changed drastically over the last year. I've stopped caring about particular rejections, not that it doesn't smart a bit. I've stopped focusing on a long term relationship as being the cure for loneliness. I've started embracing myself as the person that most people assumed I was already. It seems that nobody would be surprised to find that I was a ball-busting Domme. That kind of surprised me...I wasn't aware that I exuded that. Apparently authority comes naturally to me. The other night I decided to test things a little on a couple of younger men. They are barely more than boys, but over the age of 21. I nicely asked them to do something for me that they really were not obligated to do and could have easily gotten out of, but two of them jumped to it. I had to smile and chuckle to myself. I find myself so used to being in Domme mode most of the time that I slip into it without thinking. No longer do I view the man as being "in charge". Note to self: try not to abuse this at work.

I seem to have completely erased the power of the male-female dynamic that used to hold me. I no longer worry about whether or not men are attracted to me or will like me. I now see people, not gender. Sadly, I find that it's rare that a man really sticks out in my mind as one that I feel compelled to go out of my way to seduce or even allow myself to be seduced. I haven't spent that kind of time on a man in a very long time. Even Laertes gets only limited headspace - the Doorman a bit more. Strangely, the realization has made me a much more relaxed person where relationships are concerned. Who knew?

So just as I was wrapping up this post, I received a message by IM from a submissive male I don't know in Tennessee who asked me the following question:

"well i was curious do you feel a man and a woman can have a healthy relationship when the woman is dominant in all things? is that possible?"

My answer:

"I don't know if it's possible for all people, and frankly that's not for me to say. I'm certainly no expert on anyone else's relationship. My goal here is to find a relationship that works for ME. But I can't see why it wouldn't work if the chemistry is right. If it can work for a man to be dominant in all things then why not for a woman? That's like saying a woman can't be in combat, or a police officer, etc."

Geez. I feel like a Sufferagette. Why do I always feel the need to remind myself that I can do anything a man can do?? Any comments?

Where is MY boy?

I spent my morning being a domestic goddess. Pre-cutting fruit to take to work, making banana bread for breakfast, etc. It's getting too warm to cook comfortably in here any more today.

So domestic chores aside, all of this talk of slave training is making me want to step up my search for a suitable submissive. I have met someone online who may be interesting, but he lives a bit of a distance away. Makes it very difficult to train the way that I like. I am very hands-on. I did watch a particularly interesting clip of a Domme yesterday and I loved her style. Her voice was soft unless she needed to remind the boy she was whipping of their agreement to thank her for the pain she was inflicting upon his ass, cock and balls. He movements were powerful, fluid and graceful - definitely worth emulating.

Yesterday MistressM left me a note asking about forcing my subs to taste their own cum. I thought I had discussed this here before, but I can't seem to find the post, so here goes again. I am quite fond of bringing my subs my own twisted version of education. One of the things I take delight in is teaching them what it's like to suck cock. I have not gone so far as to make them suck a real one, but a dildo works well. How can you truly understand the act and respect the person doing you that favor when you have no idea how truly uncomfortable it is? If I had a nickel for every time my head was forced down on a cock, or cum spurted in my mouth expecting me to swallow it... I teach my subs humility - understand what you've been asking for and what a privilege it is to receive it. Every one that has tasted his own cum finds it revolting, yes, but now understands. Luckily, in my world, they don't really have a choice but to obey. Porter actually had the balls to ask if eating his own cum was "safe". Well, haven't you expected women in your life to do it? That gave me a very good idea of the general state of the male mind and this practice is now a staple in my book. So, MistressM, I have no idea how wide the practice is but any slave trained by me can expect it. It may serve to prevent them from asking to cum in my presence often!

The discussion of penetrative sex between Domme and sub has also sparked a few new observations for me. Why should it make a man feel like he has power over a woman because he knows she wants his cock inside her but not make a woman feel powerful when she knows her Master wants to put his cock in her? Hmm. Good question - and one I am guilty of discriminatory thought on thanks to being raised in a male-dominated society. I guess the interaction hinges on the perceptions of the particular people involved. Why should I not have a fuck-toy? I think that as women we have long focused on the pleasing of men to make us feel worthy of them. The male orgasm seems to be the end-all and be-all for a "successful" round of sex. Even I have had a tendency to ignore my own orgasm - even faking it. Of course, I stopped doing that years ago - why reward bad sex with positive reinforcement? So the answer for me seems to be very clear. Do not allow the sub to cum or make the experience a little different by making them lick it up. I remind you once again that these are my own thoughts on the matter, and do not represent the community at-large.

So there have been a couple of men on my mind lately. One of them is my former master. I have no idea why. I have no desire to reinitiate anything with him, talk to him or see him at all. But I find myself wondering where we would be in our relationship had we stayed together. The other man is far more interesting and tantalizing to think about. Laertes. Lately when I have imagined a scene, he is the one in restraints. I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks. Maybe this week we will run into each other... I will be drinking him in and memorizing every contour of his body, to be sure. I have always imagined having to coax him into this life, slowly choreographing every step. I've heard some things that make me wonder though. Hmmm. Maybe I need to put less weight on what I hear and more action toward my intent.

A double standard

It's been a blessedly cool and rainy day here in "Hun"land. I know my plants needed a good soaking and the remnants of tropical storm Barry obliged. Thank you, Barry!

I was reading some of Emma Kelly's blog posts today and came upon this one on the subject of female Doms not having sex with their submissives. This was of great interest to me. When I was informed some months ago that Dommes did not usually have sex with their subs, I was shocked! I spent some time as a submissive and was used sexually however and whenever my master deemed it necessary for his enjoyment. Am I not to enjoy myself as a Mistress the way a man enjoys being a master? I wondered: Why the double standard?

I've spent alot of time thinking about this topic. Maybe I've been hasty in labeling this as a double standard. Maybe using a male sub for penetrative sex is viewed as giving them some sort of power over their Mistress and we just need to be a bit more creative in our thinking. I can understand how some positions could be viewed as "topping" positions and therefore inappropriate. "Mounting" a Mistress does imply some sort of topping behavior. I pondered this dilemma for a bit and came up with solutions that suited me.

1. Male submissives will have penetrative sex with me unless we are in a relationship, not just playing.

2. If I deem the sub worthy of sex with me, they will have to ask for it and pay for it unless it is offered to them as a reward. Payment will come in the form of lashes with whatever instrument I deem necessary. The lashes will be severe - no love taps.

3. I will decide whether or not the sub is allowed to cum during the experience. If I do allow them to cum, they will be required to clean up their mess with their tongue no matter where their deposit is made.

I'm sure situations will present themselves and I will come up with creative solutions as they come along. I truly believe that any and all D/s relationships must be tailored to their participants. I refuse to allow anyone to hold me fast to a set of rules, though I do appreciate them as guidelines and suggestions. My goal here is not to become a "purist" in the lifestyle, but to create my own perfect relationship with all of the emotion that it encompasses. Besides, who can claim to be an expert in this? I'll bet many will claim it, but how many have earned the title of expert? (And really folks, these are rhetorical questions - I've already answered them for myself.)

I speak for myself only, but I think all relationships are like fingerprints. None are the same. Write up all the rules you want, but all of us can't follow them to the letter. I'd like to have a submissive I can love above all others. That's my ultimate goal.

And I'm still looking...