Surprises

The other day I went to a local health food store and they had the most beautiful flowers. My all-time favorite is white roses, but life gets boring if you get the same thing all the time. I ended up buying this lovely bouquet of peonies. I also walked out of there with fresh french bread, hummus, and blackberries. Mmmm.

Today was a beautiful day. I spent a good deal of it outside, even getting a little sun. In general I stay out of the sun - and that's why I don't look as old as I am. I paid a visit to some coworkers I haven't seen in a while, did some shopping, and then lounged in the sun reading before giving myself a pedicure. Couldn't have been better.

I have decided to write off Nightengale for good . I sent him an e-mail two weeks ago to which he has not responded, as well as a couple of IMs. Although we all get busy, I find it rude to ignore people for that amount of time. If you don't want to keep in touch, just say so.

Just as I was writing this, an IM popped up from Porter. He has been "keeping tabs" on me - his words. He looked at my profile on an alternative website on the 5th, and just as I was thinking how amusing that is, he contacted me. He said that he missed chatting with me. A few times he expressed that he thought I had turned very cold toward him. It was obvious that he held some resentment for the way he perceived that I had treated him when he "had some difficulties" and doubts. I made sure that I squelched that right away.

Now I am fully aware that some subs need to be cultivated and brought along slowly. That is the nature of this kind of relationship, particularly when the sub has no experience at all. Porter was always very paranoid and secretive, obviously ashamed of his submissive role and his desires. I tried to move gently with him, giving him vanilla time as well. From my perspective, the vanilla time backfired and scared him off. I saw it immediately and waited for him to come and talk to me about his situation. Instead of doing me the common courtesy of sitting and talking with me, he made excuses. The blog I was having him write was deleted even before we spoke again. Did he think I wouldn't notice? I had tried logging into it to see if maybe he would write his issues down if he wasn't able to speak with me about things. It always gave me good insight into his thoughts since he doesn't show much emotion. So what am I to think? He accused me of not being sympathetic, yet how can I be sympathetic when I don't know what is going on? I cut him loose. The few times he has contacted me I have been aloof, I'll admit that. But he has no right to accuse me of anything and I made that perfectly clear to him.

It was obvious that Porter wanted to come serve me last night. I found it an interesting diversion, but nothing more. If it didn't happen, I wasn't going to lose sleep over it. I decided that I would allow him to come visit on my terms. I told him that he would be expected to follow the rules of the house - upon entering his clothes must be removed and folded neatly, left on the stairs and he was to come up. He should never look me in the eye, he should always be on his knees in front of me, and he should expect to be punished. Not punished for leaving or having doubts, but punished for the way he handled himself and the lack of respect that showed toward me. He asked what his punishment would be. The last time we were together I used the wooden hairbrush on his ass, leaving bruises for a week. He would be getting the hairbrush again. 10 strokes, no safeword and no stopping in between strokes. Immediately he tried to negotiate - he spent a great deal of time on a racing bike and his ass was sore. I wasn't willing to compromise so he declined. He also wanted to spend the night so that he would be free to drink beer, to which I said no. Always with him it's a negotiation to some degree. He wants this so bad, yet is so afraid to let himself go and experience it. After his punishment I had every intention of blindfolding him, slipping a collar around his neck, plug in his ass, and leaving him to kneel at my feet with his face close to my pussy as we spoke about his situation. His lips would have been practically touching me, but not allowed to enjoy it. Now THAT I would have enjoyed.

Porter says he wants to come back. Not as a full-time sub, we are not well matched for that. He wants the opportunity to serve when he can. I am very skeptical and will be wary of him. We'll see what his intentions are. Frankly, I knew he'd be back at some point. His desire is too strong and I'm the first to get him to go this far. If nothing else, I'll learn new things with him. Normally I'd feel guilty about knowing the relationship is going nowhere, but it's a fact we both know, acknowlege and have spoken about. However, he will not take advantage of my good nature. Punishment first. And oh how I will delight in that.