Trouble ahead...

It's been a very busy and fairly exhausting couple of weeks. Both my computer and I caught a virus, so we were both out of commission for some time. I, thankfully, had an easy time getting antibiotics and am feeling much better. I wish the same could be said for my computer. It's still giving me little hiccups here and there. Most notably is my problems with IM. I've had to load and re-load my messaging program over and over again. If I turn the computer off, it seems to disappear altogether. Not only that, but it also seems to be inviting people I've already removed from my friends list to add me to their friend list again. It's slightly...inconvenient.

So being said, my contact with Porter has been sporadic. When I finally did hear from him and asked why he had not answered my e-mail, he stated that he had stopped reading that e-mail some time ago. He did finally reply:

"Sorry that i did not reply sooner. i really don't check this email anymore, as no one usually writes to me here. i will do as You wish; yes, it is something i would like to continue."

We have a tentative appointment for thursday and then he will be going out of town for a while. We'll see if he follows through. He does have a history of being fairly flaky.

A very significant anniversary has passed for me. On August 23rd, I would have marked one year with my former Master had he not turned out to be a liar and a poser. The fallout from that relationship has been far more damaging to me than I imagined could have been possible. I'm not sure if it's because I saw him so often at work or if it was the relationship itself that lives on in my mind. Every slave blog I read pulls me into a memory of my own with him. It makes me uncomfortable and I seem to feel pain, regret and a longing to have the relationship back - which takes me further into regret. I feel so weak for feeling that way. If only we had kept our relationship on that plane.... I blame him. He told friends he "wasn't into me" from the beginning. As a slave I communicated EVERYTHING to him. He knew where I was taking myself and allowed me to continue. He should have stopped when he realized that he had no intention of following through with the relationship. There was nothing so precious to me than trust and he knew that. I trusted him to do the right thing where I was concerned only to find that my trust was severely misplaced. I don't think I can ever trust like that again. But now I find myself in a quandary...

I have avoided quite a few things over the last year because I knew that he would be present. I cancelled vacation plans and turned down invitations to parties because of it. I know that part of the reason I've done that is because I still had some very strong feelings for him. I feel a great deal of anger towards him. Probably because I know that I have a very strong physical attraction for him. Up to this point I would move as far away from him as I could to put as much physical distance between us as possible so that my attraction would not show. Add alcohol and I'd be at his feet sucking his cock without so much as a glimmer of hesitation. This knowledge just pisses me off.

In the interest of putting all of this behind me and moving on, I contacted him. He did not answer, so I sent the message again. No answer. I sent a third and final message saying that I was contacting him in the interest of patching the fence. He replied stating that he had been slow to answer because he wasn't sure I wanted to talk to him. I knew I'd have to make the first move since I was the one who looked him straight in the eye at work and said "Don't talk to me." He hasn't really tried since. All efforts were at trying to catch my eye or just general "Hellos". Now there is very little chance of us running into each other - a new development at work has me moving far, far away from him. (I'd already contacted him before I knew I was leaving his sphere of influence.) He had told me he would be away for a while but that he'd get in touch with me on the 22nd (about a week and a half later). I'd completely forgotten until I got a message from him yesterday. I have no interest in having any conversation with him at work - it would have been constant interruptions - so I told him yesterday was not good for me. He told me he would try to get in touch with me today. So far nothing. I have no idea what I'll say to him when we do talk. If I didn't care anymore, I wouldn't give him any space in my head at all. I'm still very angry with him. And that means....

TROUBLE.

The Return?

I've been extraordinarily busy over the last couple of months, and it shows no signs of letting up anytime soon. Last night I finally got a really good night's sleep. The first in maybe three weeks!

The other day I was reading "The Story of O" and found myself really missing the discipline and structure of that lifestyle as a submissive. I couldn't help but think of my former Master and the fact that on August 23rd we would have been together for a year. I still have not spoken to him (not since March), but have extended and invitation for him to contact me. I'm not willing to say that we'll be friends, but I don't want to spend the rest of my days avoiding him. It makes for a very difficult life and I've missed out on alot of things because of it. I still harbor some very deep wounds from our relationship and would not even entertain the idea of rekindling it at this time. I can't help but remember the time we did spend together as Master and slave with a twinge of regret. It seems that the emotional pain he inflicted keeps me from enjoying the memories entirely.

Last night I was online and Porter popped up on IM. I've been largely absent from IM lately. I either lurk while appearing to be offline, but mostly just log off altogether. He has been checking in to see if I'm there for quite some time and finally caught me in. He has been quite busy himself and is preparing to leave the country for a while. Here's a little excerpt:

porter: do you want company tonight?

Fleur_Blesse: I'm not sure I'd be up to anything tonight. Maybe next week?

porter: no problem. i'm also tired, but now that i finally got you online again..... the urges are coming back.

Indeed. He is still due a punishment of 10 lashes with the hairbrush for his previous insolence. At this point I think he is so turned on with the lifestyle that he would accept anything to serve again. He expressed an interest in "pampering" me. Hmmm. I have sent him the following e-mail with the subject "Do you wish to return?":

"I looked up the last time we spoke - it was June 9th. Do you remember my terms for your return? Let me refresh your memory:

Upon entering my home, your clothes must be removed and folded neatly, left on the stairs and you are to come up. You should never look me in the eye and always be on your knees in front of me unless told otherwise. You should expect to be punished on your first visit. I will blindfold you, slip a chain collar around your neck and a plug in your ass. You will receive 10 strokes while over my knee and your cock in my hand, no safeword and no stopping in between strokes. After your punishment you will kneel between my feet with your face at my pussy as we talk about your situation and how we would like to continue.

Is this something you wish to do?"

Let's see what his answer will be...