The Prodigal slave

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Jello returns

He is still a simpering mess of a man. I was at first taken in by his seemingly sincere apology for continuing his unwanted advances toward me. It was soon apparent that he was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear.

After repeated messages to me where Jello stated that whatever he had done, he was sorry, he finally tracked me down where he knew I could not get away from him without causing a scene. This was not appreciated.

Jello: I'm sorry. I know where I screwed up and I'm sorry.

Blesse: What did you do then?

Jello (looking at me intensely): I KNOW what I did.

Blesse: Look, I'm not angry, but I thought you needed to figure out what's important to you. You are a married man. I'm sorry that you're miserable, but you've made your bed now lie in it. Have some respect for your wife and for me and stop.

Jello: Your friendship means more to me than anything. I don't know where I crossed the line...well, yes I do. It was the night I had that dream about you and called you the next day.

Blesse (for gods sake): The best thing you can do is drop it.

Jello: I will push it far, far down. I won't do it again. But now you know how I feel....

Blesse: (In other words...in case I change my mind. You are an ass.)

Jello: I feel so much better now that we've had this conversation. No one did anything wrong, but now I feel better.

At this point I inwardly rolled my eyes, made my escape and left him. No one did anything WRONG? In one sentence he apologized for his impropriety, and then left the door open "just in case". Ah, my dear, I was not born yesterday. Obviously my friendship is not upmost in his mind. Maybe he thinks he can keep a presence in my life and eventually wear me down? the Colorado River had more success carving out the Grand Canyon.

Sorry Charlie. There is NO room for Jello in this woman's life.

9"? Really?

Monday I was out with some friends celebrating St. Patrick's Day. We started at a particular pub at around noon and traveled around pub-hopping until about 9pm. I had a quite interesting time. I usually don't drink that much. I don't handle my liquor as well as I did when I was young, so I take it easy. I've learned that it's not exactly good form to lose your senses around people for whom you may be a bit willing to relax the rules. I was glad I had my wits about me this day. The men were biting...

The male of our species never stops surprising me. I'm very open and relaxed about most sexual things, but never let that be too well known to those I'm not close to. I know that all of you know how I feel about bringing other people into a relationship. I'm absolutely alright with it as long as everyone knows about it and consents. Far be it for me to judge anyone! However, I'm not saying that it would be OK for me in every situation. I am NOT in favor of cheating. We've discussed this before, no? I will not be party to lying to anyone. Not that I haven't been tempted...

While enroute to a pub, one of my companions felt the need to let me know that his cock is 9" long. I have no idea why that information was divulged at that time. We were not discussing sex. I have to admit that I was intrigued... He is attractive and extremely aggressive. I can imagine that spending time with him would be interesting... However, he wears not one, but two rings on his left ring finger. Someone has marked their territory. I blew the comment off as a drunken diarrhea of words. That is, until he said to me as I was leaving: "I was wondering if I could accompany you home tonight." Once again I am left explaining to a man that I have indeed noticed his wedding rings and am not interested. I lie, of course. I am certainly interested, but not willing to put myself in the adulteress category.

How do I get myself into these situations without so much as a hint that I'm trying?

What's right

Lately I've been thinking alot about what's right. Not so much about what's right in general, but what's right for me. I'd been doing some research on Humanism and motivational theories. It struck me that I could almost see some people's motivations based on the way we interacted.

A while back I was conversing with a submissive that I only "knew" through electronic communication. After a few conversations I knew that although he seemed fascinating, he would never be right for me. It was interesting to see how his mind worked, what he expected and how he communicated with his Mistresses. I noticed pretty quickly that he really loved to re-hash his experiences. I suspect that he cared alot less how the person he communicated with saw him than he did about getting his thrill by reliving his experiences. He dominated the conversations quickly and seemed to always want to draw everything back to an experience he'd had with this Mistress or that. It grew tedious to the point where I would hide from him online so I wouldn't feel obligated to listen, so to speak. He is an intelligent, well spoken gentleman, but not someone I would be interested in playing with. It doesn't make him a bad person, nor is my opinion relevant to anyone other than myself. It just is.

I've realized that humans had an ingrained need to feel included - to be accepted. A rejection of any sort is devastating. Despite knowing this, rejection doesn't hurt any less. Maybe one of the benefits of growing older is recognizing that there's nothing wrong with you because you don't "click" with every person you meet. Nor will you be universally adored by all. What matters is what you feel when you look in the mirror. I have long learned that all of those things I was taught as a child may have no place in my life. Sex is not dirty (in the negative sense, of course) and women who have it are not necessarily whores. Everyone must make these decision for themselves and about themselves. Just because you believe that sleeping with more than one man makes you a whore doesn't mean everyone agrees with you, or must agree with you. And because I like to be dominated at times, wearing stockings and not panty hose and high heels does not make me a throwback to the 1800s. I'm not going to conform just because you say it's right.

Sister, find your own way. Screw what I think.

Creating my own fantasy

Despite what it may seem, I have not fallen off of the face of the earth. I've been working, taking classes, becoming neurotic about my finances.... I think that's about it.

I've decided that unless I become a multi-millionaire, I should buy a house and settle in this place. If I do become a millionaire, it really won't be an issue - I can just buy houses wherever I want and live in them when I feel like it. In lieu of that much money, I need to pick a place here and get on with it. Up until now it's just been too much of a commitment. I've decided that paying more in rent than most people pay for a mortgage just might be a waste of my money. And so I've been putting my credit under a microscope so that by the end of the year I will be moving into "MY" place.

I've attended two classes (that will eventually get me three certifications) and will be attending another in about a week. They are necessary for promotional opportunities, not to mention they also give me a Plan B in case I should be unable to continue in my present position. It is not uncommon for people in my line of work to get hurt to the point that they are medically retired. Being healthy at this time, it will give me an opportunity to work part-time teaching. I think I'd rather enjoy that.

So with having to leave the house and go to class every day, I had the opportunity to wear street clothes, makeup and jewelry. I haven't done that in about three years. It was nice to be back in my power suits and boots. I felt like a woman again. That feeling had been slipping away from me for quite some time.

The last few months have seen no sexual activity whatsoever. Not for the lack of men trying.... I have no desire to have an affair with a man sneaking around behind his wife's back. It stinks of lies and desperation. That is something I don't tolerate in my men. There is one in particular who has insulted me multiple times with his drooling compliments and sniveling. He sent me a message yesterday saying "Whatever I've done to make you mad, I'm sorry." For pete's sake. First: You have no idea if you've made me mad because I haven't jumped at the chance to talk to you on the phone every day. Second: If you don't know what you did, how can you be sorry for it?

This poor excuse for a man had this conversation with me recently:

FB (commenting on a "blossoming" romance): "I had seen him more with someone like me rather than like her."

Jello: "Well, I don't want to share you with anyone else."

FB: "I am not yours to share. And YOU are a married man."

Jello: "Now is this the time or place to talk about that!?"

FB: "Obviously it is if you continue to make comments like that."

I have told him repeatedly not to say things like that to me. He calls me constantly, wants me to go to lunch with him while I'm in class, tells me how classy I look and how he likes class in a woman. I do not care what he likes. He has passed the point of annoying long ago has has progressed now to just plain ticking me off. If I don't answer my phone he'll call me again. If I don't answer a second time he sends me a text. I am not his girlfriend. My god if I have to hear the speech about how "My wife and I are just staying together for the kid's sake" speech from one more man....

Changing subjects... I heard from Porter a while back. He's out of the country but sends me e-mail every now and again. I haven't been on any of the BDSM sites or talked to any of my friends in the lifestyle lately. I know one of my couple acquaintances (the couple I played with last summer) are buying a house, so they'll be out of commission until that is finalized. I'm in no hurry.

I've had a recurring fantasy lately. I am the hostess of a party which includes couples of all denominations. The Masters/Mistresses are clothed to their liking, the slaves are dressed so that their genitalia are exposed. The men in nothing but tights with their cocks and balls free, the women in corsettes just under their breasts and full skirts tucked at the waist to expose them. All slaves are wearing color-coded bracelets to indicate their specialty or what they are available for that evening. The Masters and Mistresses have agreed that their slaves can be used in any manner by any of the guests as long as they adhere to the color codes. No slave can decline an invitation, but they are allowed rest if they ask. The house is large and sprawling with a pool in the back. The rooms are set up for bondage, pain, sex, whatever is required. If a slave is not being used, they are to serve refreshments. As I expected, the slaves experienced in fellatio are extremely popular with several of the Masters waiting their turn to be serviced. There is a Mistress spanking a male slave out by the pool for daring to show his excitement at the party with an unauthorized erection.

To be continued...

Trouble ahead...

It's been a very busy and fairly exhausting couple of weeks. Both my computer and I caught a virus, so we were both out of commission for some time. I, thankfully, had an easy time getting antibiotics and am feeling much better. I wish the same could be said for my computer. It's still giving me little hiccups here and there. Most notably is my problems with IM. I've had to load and re-load my messaging program over and over again. If I turn the computer off, it seems to disappear altogether. Not only that, but it also seems to be inviting people I've already removed from my friends list to add me to their friend list again. It's slightly...inconvenient.

So being said, my contact with Porter has been sporadic. When I finally did hear from him and asked why he had not answered my e-mail, he stated that he had stopped reading that e-mail some time ago. He did finally reply:

"Sorry that i did not reply sooner. i really don't check this email anymore, as no one usually writes to me here. i will do as You wish; yes, it is something i would like to continue."

We have a tentative appointment for thursday and then he will be going out of town for a while. We'll see if he follows through. He does have a history of being fairly flaky.

A very significant anniversary has passed for me. On August 23rd, I would have marked one year with my former Master had he not turned out to be a liar and a poser. The fallout from that relationship has been far more damaging to me than I imagined could have been possible. I'm not sure if it's because I saw him so often at work or if it was the relationship itself that lives on in my mind. Every slave blog I read pulls me into a memory of my own with him. It makes me uncomfortable and I seem to feel pain, regret and a longing to have the relationship back - which takes me further into regret. I feel so weak for feeling that way. If only we had kept our relationship on that plane.... I blame him. He told friends he "wasn't into me" from the beginning. As a slave I communicated EVERYTHING to him. He knew where I was taking myself and allowed me to continue. He should have stopped when he realized that he had no intention of following through with the relationship. There was nothing so precious to me than trust and he knew that. I trusted him to do the right thing where I was concerned only to find that my trust was severely misplaced. I don't think I can ever trust like that again. But now I find myself in a quandary...

I have avoided quite a few things over the last year because I knew that he would be present. I cancelled vacation plans and turned down invitations to parties because of it. I know that part of the reason I've done that is because I still had some very strong feelings for him. I feel a great deal of anger towards him. Probably because I know that I have a very strong physical attraction for him. Up to this point I would move as far away from him as I could to put as much physical distance between us as possible so that my attraction would not show. Add alcohol and I'd be at his feet sucking his cock without so much as a glimmer of hesitation. This knowledge just pisses me off.

In the interest of putting all of this behind me and moving on, I contacted him. He did not answer, so I sent the message again. No answer. I sent a third and final message saying that I was contacting him in the interest of patching the fence. He replied stating that he had been slow to answer because he wasn't sure I wanted to talk to him. I knew I'd have to make the first move since I was the one who looked him straight in the eye at work and said "Don't talk to me." He hasn't really tried since. All efforts were at trying to catch my eye or just general "Hellos". Now there is very little chance of us running into each other - a new development at work has me moving far, far away from him. (I'd already contacted him before I knew I was leaving his sphere of influence.) He had told me he would be away for a while but that he'd get in touch with me on the 22nd (about a week and a half later). I'd completely forgotten until I got a message from him yesterday. I have no interest in having any conversation with him at work - it would have been constant interruptions - so I told him yesterday was not good for me. He told me he would try to get in touch with me today. So far nothing. I have no idea what I'll say to him when we do talk. If I didn't care anymore, I wouldn't give him any space in my head at all. I'm still very angry with him. And that means....

TROUBLE.

The Return?

I've been extraordinarily busy over the last couple of months, and it shows no signs of letting up anytime soon. Last night I finally got a really good night's sleep. The first in maybe three weeks!

The other day I was reading "The Story of O" and found myself really missing the discipline and structure of that lifestyle as a submissive. I couldn't help but think of my former Master and the fact that on August 23rd we would have been together for a year. I still have not spoken to him (not since March), but have extended and invitation for him to contact me. I'm not willing to say that we'll be friends, but I don't want to spend the rest of my days avoiding him. It makes for a very difficult life and I've missed out on alot of things because of it. I still harbor some very deep wounds from our relationship and would not even entertain the idea of rekindling it at this time. I can't help but remember the time we did spend together as Master and slave with a twinge of regret. It seems that the emotional pain he inflicted keeps me from enjoying the memories entirely.

Last night I was online and Porter popped up on IM. I've been largely absent from IM lately. I either lurk while appearing to be offline, but mostly just log off altogether. He has been checking in to see if I'm there for quite some time and finally caught me in. He has been quite busy himself and is preparing to leave the country for a while. Here's a little excerpt:

porter: do you want company tonight?

Fleur_Blesse: I'm not sure I'd be up to anything tonight. Maybe next week?

porter: no problem. i'm also tired, but now that i finally got you online again..... the urges are coming back.

Indeed. He is still due a punishment of 10 lashes with the hairbrush for his previous insolence. At this point I think he is so turned on with the lifestyle that he would accept anything to serve again. He expressed an interest in "pampering" me. Hmmm. I have sent him the following e-mail with the subject "Do you wish to return?":

"I looked up the last time we spoke - it was June 9th. Do you remember my terms for your return? Let me refresh your memory:

Upon entering my home, your clothes must be removed and folded neatly, left on the stairs and you are to come up. You should never look me in the eye and always be on your knees in front of me unless told otherwise. You should expect to be punished on your first visit. I will blindfold you, slip a chain collar around your neck and a plug in your ass. You will receive 10 strokes while over my knee and your cock in my hand, no safeword and no stopping in between strokes. After your punishment you will kneel between my feet with your face at my pussy as we talk about your situation and how we would like to continue.

Is this something you wish to do?"

Let's see what his answer will be...