Murphy lives

I know I've been largely absent lately. It's been very busy here. I was more or less forced to spend a large amount of money recently and haven't really looked back. I replaced my ageing car with a vehicle that very much reflects my personality. I've been putting off the inevitable for some time in the hopes that I would have a larger amount of money saved. So be it. The time was right and I have a predisposition to believing in such things. The new car is fast, sleek and just so "me" that I can't help but just stand back and marvel at it. I knew it would be mine as soon as I laid eyes on it. My old vehicle had been paid off quite a while ago so it really is a pain to have a car payment again.

I also decided to replace my ancient (by my computer scientist brother's standards) computer. So now I find myself in a lightning-fast world where my old computer had me in a much slower pace. I'm loving it, of course. I haven't put all of the chat software back on and I'm not sure I'm going to. I've hit yet another one of my reflective snags.

I was out of town last week and had a ridiculously busy schedule that left me exhausted. There was very little sleep, I did not take my vitamins regularly and ate very few real meals. And upon returning and going back to work, I left immediately for a funeral. A woman who shares my occupation died horribly in an entirely avoidable accident. This week I have tried to slow down and get back into my routine. I find I need that more and more. I also noted that I passed a rather notable anniversary last month. And here we segue into the next topic...

It has been over a year since I have had sex with a man. Now I was worried that the week I was out of town would present itself with some interesting, but verboten, possibilities. And it did. Truly. But I behaved myself. My navigator was an attractive gentleman, but I kept my hands off. My next door neighbor, two weeks from finalizing his divorce was also hands off. I believe no man when he cooks up a story. I was absolutely convinced my switch was permanently in the "OFF" position. Then I met "HIM". Good god. I saw him and for some reason I wanted to talk to him immediately. And boy can I pick them. He lives a hundred miles away. He is even more verboten than any of the others... And I cannot get him off of my mind. I wish that I could say that I will take this opportuniity to relish the uncomfortable feeling of want. But What I want and need to do is forget him immediately. And of course what this means is that this man, who I have never met before, will be thrown into my path again and again in my future. How do I know this? Because we met Wednesday night for the first time, and then were assigned to each other all day Saturday at the funeral. We have friends/coworkers (no difference there) in common.

There once was this man named Murphy and he penned this law...

The Flirt

I've spent the last couple of weeks in close proximity to a man who finds it amusing to flirt with me. I find it amusing that he has no ungodly idea what the hell he's doing. Not at all. He has no idea how to recognize what I am. I'm not even sure he knows that women like me exist.

This gentleman is married and someone not really predisposed to cheating. I think he likes to think about it but guilt keeps him from following through. His idea of kink is having a woman tell him exactly where to touch him. Really. I'm not kidding you. Now, I'm pretty close to him in what I'd consider a sisterly way. We're frank with one another and can talk about just about anything. I get the feeling his life has been pretty sheltered. If he knew what kind of a life I've led, it would blow his mind. I think - no, I KNOW - he's sit there with his mouth hanging open speechless. He's not the kind that would entertain being part of the lifestyle. He's also not the type I would consider recruiting.

As for the type of man I would recruit... I've decided he should strive to be a tailor. I absolutely HATE when my clothes don't fit well. I'd love to dress like this on a daily basis:


After all, Lara Croft is the quintessential Dominant woman, isn't she?

Dreaming

Last night I had a dream. After contemplating what on earth could have inspired such perplexing images, I came up with some theories. But then, even I don't feign to pretend to understand the way my own mind works. I regret not getting immediately out of bed and writing down the details.

I remember being at a large home performing some sort of tasks for a very nice woman. I don't remember what the tasks were but I was outside alot. There was an understanding in my dream that this woman was the new partner of my former Master. I wasn't uncomfortable with that thought at the time. I remember feeling at ease with her but not really understanding what was really happening or even if she knew about my history with Him. I was unsure of my specific place in the hierarchy, but knew that I was not free to just leave without her permission. I smiled easily and was happy to go about my work with her close by. At some point I realized that it was getting late and twilight was settling. I went to her in the kitchen of the home and asked her what was next. She said that she needed nothing more from me that day. I was then overwhelmed with the desire to stay at the home. I asked her:

Mistress, is it OK if I stay here this evening?

She stretched out her arms and hugged me saying: "Mistress, indeed!"

I immediately removed what little clothing I had on and was happy to stay in the home and wait for Him to arrive. I remember being very excited at the prospect of having the two of them there with me. At the moment I called her Mistress, I felt completely at ease and happy. It was a very pleasant dream. I was disappointed to have been woken by someone outside and not able to see where the dream (and I) would have gone. It ended with me standing smiling at the sink, completely nude with her standing behind me with her arms around me, moving her hands slowly down. My mind was racing with all of the things I wanted to do with them and things I wanted to have done to me.

To be clear, I've never wanted to be with a woman. I knew that at some point that my former Master was going to require it of me. I trusted him to know how far he could push me at any given moment, so I was not as terrified as I might have been. Our relationship ended before anything really even began. And to be honest, I thought I was far beyond having any desire for any future relationship of that nature. I've been quite content to be the Dominant. It was interesting that I was so content to be submissive - and to a woman at that! Maybe I just need to get out there and find someone to explore a few things with.

The Prodigal slave

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Jello returns

He is still a simpering mess of a man. I was at first taken in by his seemingly sincere apology for continuing his unwanted advances toward me. It was soon apparent that he was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear.

After repeated messages to me where Jello stated that whatever he had done, he was sorry, he finally tracked me down where he knew I could not get away from him without causing a scene. This was not appreciated.

Jello: I'm sorry. I know where I screwed up and I'm sorry.

Blesse: What did you do then?

Jello (looking at me intensely): I KNOW what I did.

Blesse: Look, I'm not angry, but I thought you needed to figure out what's important to you. You are a married man. I'm sorry that you're miserable, but you've made your bed now lie in it. Have some respect for your wife and for me and stop.

Jello: Your friendship means more to me than anything. I don't know where I crossed the line...well, yes I do. It was the night I had that dream about you and called you the next day.

Blesse (for gods sake): The best thing you can do is drop it.

Jello: I will push it far, far down. I won't do it again. But now you know how I feel....

Blesse: (In other words...in case I change my mind. You are an ass.)

Jello: I feel so much better now that we've had this conversation. No one did anything wrong, but now I feel better.

At this point I inwardly rolled my eyes, made my escape and left him. No one did anything WRONG? In one sentence he apologized for his impropriety, and then left the door open "just in case". Ah, my dear, I was not born yesterday. Obviously my friendship is not upmost in his mind. Maybe he thinks he can keep a presence in my life and eventually wear me down? the Colorado River had more success carving out the Grand Canyon.

Sorry Charlie. There is NO room for Jello in this woman's life.

9"? Really?

Monday I was out with some friends celebrating St. Patrick's Day. We started at a particular pub at around noon and traveled around pub-hopping until about 9pm. I had a quite interesting time. I usually don't drink that much. I don't handle my liquor as well as I did when I was young, so I take it easy. I've learned that it's not exactly good form to lose your senses around people for whom you may be a bit willing to relax the rules. I was glad I had my wits about me this day. The men were biting...

The male of our species never stops surprising me. I'm very open and relaxed about most sexual things, but never let that be too well known to those I'm not close to. I know that all of you know how I feel about bringing other people into a relationship. I'm absolutely alright with it as long as everyone knows about it and consents. Far be it for me to judge anyone! However, I'm not saying that it would be OK for me in every situation. I am NOT in favor of cheating. We've discussed this before, no? I will not be party to lying to anyone. Not that I haven't been tempted...

While enroute to a pub, one of my companions felt the need to let me know that his cock is 9" long. I have no idea why that information was divulged at that time. We were not discussing sex. I have to admit that I was intrigued... He is attractive and extremely aggressive. I can imagine that spending time with him would be interesting... However, he wears not one, but two rings on his left ring finger. Someone has marked their territory. I blew the comment off as a drunken diarrhea of words. That is, until he said to me as I was leaving: "I was wondering if I could accompany you home tonight." Once again I am left explaining to a man that I have indeed noticed his wedding rings and am not interested. I lie, of course. I am certainly interested, but not willing to put myself in the adulteress category.

How do I get myself into these situations without so much as a hint that I'm trying?

What's right

Lately I've been thinking alot about what's right. Not so much about what's right in general, but what's right for me. I'd been doing some research on Humanism and motivational theories. It struck me that I could almost see some people's motivations based on the way we interacted.

A while back I was conversing with a submissive that I only "knew" through electronic communication. After a few conversations I knew that although he seemed fascinating, he would never be right for me. It was interesting to see how his mind worked, what he expected and how he communicated with his Mistresses. I noticed pretty quickly that he really loved to re-hash his experiences. I suspect that he cared alot less how the person he communicated with saw him than he did about getting his thrill by reliving his experiences. He dominated the conversations quickly and seemed to always want to draw everything back to an experience he'd had with this Mistress or that. It grew tedious to the point where I would hide from him online so I wouldn't feel obligated to listen, so to speak. He is an intelligent, well spoken gentleman, but not someone I would be interested in playing with. It doesn't make him a bad person, nor is my opinion relevant to anyone other than myself. It just is.

I've realized that humans had an ingrained need to feel included - to be accepted. A rejection of any sort is devastating. Despite knowing this, rejection doesn't hurt any less. Maybe one of the benefits of growing older is recognizing that there's nothing wrong with you because you don't "click" with every person you meet. Nor will you be universally adored by all. What matters is what you feel when you look in the mirror. I have long learned that all of those things I was taught as a child may have no place in my life. Sex is not dirty (in the negative sense, of course) and women who have it are not necessarily whores. Everyone must make these decision for themselves and about themselves. Just because you believe that sleeping with more than one man makes you a whore doesn't mean everyone agrees with you, or must agree with you. And because I like to be dominated at times, wearing stockings and not panty hose and high heels does not make me a throwback to the 1800s. I'm not going to conform just because you say it's right.

Sister, find your own way. Screw what I think.