No more guilt

I received a few comments on yesterday's post and was about to answer them, but thought I had enough to say to warrant another post as an answer.

I grew up in a very straight-laced Catholic household and went to Catholic school and church every Sunday. Religion was force-fed to me seven days a week, 365 days a year. Since I am (and probably always have been though I didn't know quite how to express it) a believer that religion is an opiate of the masses, I was understandably chagrined by this. I stopped going to church right after my 18th birthday. This was (is) a huge source of contention between my mother and I. I'd always played the good little girl but I hated every minute of the hypocritical lecturing that goes on. I would look around at the people in church and watch most of them casually commit sins every day, then go to confessional to rid themselves of the guilt. Even as a child I knew there was something wrong about the whole process.

My strict religious upbringing produced a timid woman. To say that premarital sex was taboo is like saying a landfill smells a little funny. I felt hopelessly guilty for being attracted to men (not that it stopped me). My mother reinforced this guilt and kept me under her thumb. Our "birds and bees" lecture was extremely clinical and without emotion. I can remember being embarrassed by my breasts, which seemed to develop faster than the other girls'. When I did "become a woman", I was not allowed to use tampons. Much later when I asked why they were forbidden, my father became suspicious and came to me later asking if I had had sex. He was sweet and gentle and very accepting. He did not betray my trust and told me that it didn't make me a bad person or dirty. I will always remember that and respect him for it. But my mother's influence was solid and my sexual education was awful. I can't remember a truly good experience and I rarely orgasmed. I was married at age 19 and the old standard of "obey your husband" rang in my ears. I was dedicated to that premise and he took advantage. In my mother's defense, she didn't understand what marriage could be like - my father is a wonderful man. It never occurred to her that a man could be such an ass. I was separated at age 21 and divorced by age 23.

When I was 26, I went back to college. The most personally beneficial class I took was Human Sexuality. That's where I finally learned that not everyone lives by a lopsided moral code. Sex is not dirty or wrong, it's an expression between two people. ANY two people. Who am I to tell you what is right and wrong? Yes, my judgement may be tainted by my ethnocentric views, culture and personal upbringing, but I can choose not to judge you. Just because I don't like or understand something doesn't mean it's wrong. My entire university experience led me to this understanding, the sex class just relaxed my views on sex itself. So though I lost my virginity when I was 18, I learned how to enjoy my experiences eight years later. I credit that very talented professor with opening my eyes and allowing me to experience life.

Now we may all be getting a little more accepting of sex in the world around us, but I'm not fooled. A man who has slept with 50 women is a stud, a woman with the same history is a slut. I have learned that it is necessary to keep my mouth shut about who I have been with. I am very particular about my partners. It's not my job to sleep with anyone. If it does not please me, I'm not going to do it to please anyone else. A bad lover never gets to come back. And frankly, I see nothing wrong with keeping a regular lover. I find that very long periods of no sex (I went two years without sex in college) make me so crazy I am liable to do something I may not have normally done.

And so, this very long journey has brought me here. I have shed the prejudicial teachings of my past and have learned that there are all types of people in the world. I have grown a thick skin and have learned to disregard the labels and judgements of others. Within reason. I do what I have to do to get by in the civilized world, but my house in MINE. You do not get to tell me what is acceptable or "right" here. Whatever I choose to do (without being illegal, of course) with a consenting partner is my own decision. (I do, however, respect the bonds of matrimony - married men are definitely off limits!) And you don't get to tell me what to think. I may not find some things a turn-on myself, but I fully support other's rights to do them if they so choose. Frankly, I'm pretty damn happy with me. I can hold my head high - I have nothing to apologize for.

Finally, I can understand completely why society views the BDSM world as unseemly. We all, at some point in our lives, have been taught to vilify that which we do not understand and I am no exception. I was horrified by some of the aspects of this lifestyle when I first encountered it. The difference here is that I was drawn to it and took the time to learn about it. Anyone who is truly involved in this lifestyle understands what love, trust and acceptance can be found in a D/s relationship. I can't make everyone understand, and I am painfully aware that I am really preaching to the choir here. Most that find their way here are kindred spirits. So a cheerful "good morning!" to you all. Thank you for being here and for leaving me snippets of your advice!

I am, and always will be, a teacher...but most importantly, I am always a student.