Trouble ahead...

It's been a very busy and fairly exhausting couple of weeks. Both my computer and I caught a virus, so we were both out of commission for some time. I, thankfully, had an easy time getting antibiotics and am feeling much better. I wish the same could be said for my computer. It's still giving me little hiccups here and there. Most notably is my problems with IM. I've had to load and re-load my messaging program over and over again. If I turn the computer off, it seems to disappear altogether. Not only that, but it also seems to be inviting people I've already removed from my friends list to add me to their friend list again. It's slightly...inconvenient.

So being said, my contact with Porter has been sporadic. When I finally did hear from him and asked why he had not answered my e-mail, he stated that he had stopped reading that e-mail some time ago. He did finally reply:

"Sorry that i did not reply sooner. i really don't check this email anymore, as no one usually writes to me here. i will do as You wish; yes, it is something i would like to continue."

We have a tentative appointment for thursday and then he will be going out of town for a while. We'll see if he follows through. He does have a history of being fairly flaky.

A very significant anniversary has passed for me. On August 23rd, I would have marked one year with my former Master had he not turned out to be a liar and a poser. The fallout from that relationship has been far more damaging to me than I imagined could have been possible. I'm not sure if it's because I saw him so often at work or if it was the relationship itself that lives on in my mind. Every slave blog I read pulls me into a memory of my own with him. It makes me uncomfortable and I seem to feel pain, regret and a longing to have the relationship back - which takes me further into regret. I feel so weak for feeling that way. If only we had kept our relationship on that plane.... I blame him. He told friends he "wasn't into me" from the beginning. As a slave I communicated EVERYTHING to him. He knew where I was taking myself and allowed me to continue. He should have stopped when he realized that he had no intention of following through with the relationship. There was nothing so precious to me than trust and he knew that. I trusted him to do the right thing where I was concerned only to find that my trust was severely misplaced. I don't think I can ever trust like that again. But now I find myself in a quandary...

I have avoided quite a few things over the last year because I knew that he would be present. I cancelled vacation plans and turned down invitations to parties because of it. I know that part of the reason I've done that is because I still had some very strong feelings for him. I feel a great deal of anger towards him. Probably because I know that I have a very strong physical attraction for him. Up to this point I would move as far away from him as I could to put as much physical distance between us as possible so that my attraction would not show. Add alcohol and I'd be at his feet sucking his cock without so much as a glimmer of hesitation. This knowledge just pisses me off.

In the interest of putting all of this behind me and moving on, I contacted him. He did not answer, so I sent the message again. No answer. I sent a third and final message saying that I was contacting him in the interest of patching the fence. He replied stating that he had been slow to answer because he wasn't sure I wanted to talk to him. I knew I'd have to make the first move since I was the one who looked him straight in the eye at work and said "Don't talk to me." He hasn't really tried since. All efforts were at trying to catch my eye or just general "Hellos". Now there is very little chance of us running into each other - a new development at work has me moving far, far away from him. (I'd already contacted him before I knew I was leaving his sphere of influence.) He had told me he would be away for a while but that he'd get in touch with me on the 22nd (about a week and a half later). I'd completely forgotten until I got a message from him yesterday. I have no interest in having any conversation with him at work - it would have been constant interruptions - so I told him yesterday was not good for me. He told me he would try to get in touch with me today. So far nothing. I have no idea what I'll say to him when we do talk. If I didn't care anymore, I wouldn't give him any space in my head at all. I'm still very angry with him. And that means....

TROUBLE.

The Return?

I've been extraordinarily busy over the last couple of months, and it shows no signs of letting up anytime soon. Last night I finally got a really good night's sleep. The first in maybe three weeks!

The other day I was reading "The Story of O" and found myself really missing the discipline and structure of that lifestyle as a submissive. I couldn't help but think of my former Master and the fact that on August 23rd we would have been together for a year. I still have not spoken to him (not since March), but have extended and invitation for him to contact me. I'm not willing to say that we'll be friends, but I don't want to spend the rest of my days avoiding him. It makes for a very difficult life and I've missed out on alot of things because of it. I still harbor some very deep wounds from our relationship and would not even entertain the idea of rekindling it at this time. I can't help but remember the time we did spend together as Master and slave with a twinge of regret. It seems that the emotional pain he inflicted keeps me from enjoying the memories entirely.

Last night I was online and Porter popped up on IM. I've been largely absent from IM lately. I either lurk while appearing to be offline, but mostly just log off altogether. He has been checking in to see if I'm there for quite some time and finally caught me in. He has been quite busy himself and is preparing to leave the country for a while. Here's a little excerpt:

porter: do you want company tonight?

Fleur_Blesse: I'm not sure I'd be up to anything tonight. Maybe next week?

porter: no problem. i'm also tired, but now that i finally got you online again..... the urges are coming back.

Indeed. He is still due a punishment of 10 lashes with the hairbrush for his previous insolence. At this point I think he is so turned on with the lifestyle that he would accept anything to serve again. He expressed an interest in "pampering" me. Hmmm. I have sent him the following e-mail with the subject "Do you wish to return?":

"I looked up the last time we spoke - it was June 9th. Do you remember my terms for your return? Let me refresh your memory:

Upon entering my home, your clothes must be removed and folded neatly, left on the stairs and you are to come up. You should never look me in the eye and always be on your knees in front of me unless told otherwise. You should expect to be punished on your first visit. I will blindfold you, slip a chain collar around your neck and a plug in your ass. You will receive 10 strokes while over my knee and your cock in my hand, no safeword and no stopping in between strokes. After your punishment you will kneel between my feet with your face at my pussy as we talk about your situation and how we would like to continue.

Is this something you wish to do?"

Let's see what his answer will be...

Dry spell

I've been inactive lately. No sex, no games. It's been a busy and stressful summer so far. Work is making me sick, I fear. It seems like very often I become violently ill the day after I work. This didn't happen for the first year. I'm beginning to wonder if it has something to do with the buildings I've been working in lately. Maybe a mold issue. I've become a little weary of spending almost 24 hours after I work kneeling in front of the loo.

As for the no sex, no games...well, the situations are not presenting themselves. Nightengale has decided that he can't even be polite enough to answer me, which I find horrifically rude. I told him that his lack of common courtesy solidifies my deduction that he is not worth knowing, let alone serving. Suits me fine since I haven't been in a serving mood for quite some time. Newcomer has been out of touch. I'm not really all that worried about it - bad fit and all. It was nice to get a little attention every now and again, but he tends to linger way too long. I need my space. Porter is out of town for a few weeks doing some training. He popped into IM a couple of times before he left and assures me he'll contact me when he gets back. I haven't logged into IM in a while, so I have no idea who has been around. I'm not worried - I'm just not one of those people who can be "on" all the time. I am much more than the sum of my parts and I like it that way. Too much of one thing makes me feel just a bit like a nut.

Now Laertes....ahhhh Laertes. I saw him tuesday. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his cheek. I was sitting in a chair finishing some paperwork and chatting with coworkers. I had my left hand on the back of the chair and he made sure he walked by and grazed his gorgeous bottom against it. I called him a dirty boy, but I would have liked to take him somewhere and strip those awful trousers off of him and admire his physique in the form it came into the world. *sigh* I felt my libido stir ever so slightly. I quickly extinguished any thoughts and sent it back into hibernation.

I had a wonderful dream last night. I was standing in a alley somewhere and the love of my life was there with me, except he was entirely nude. I was dressed. We just stood there, holding each other, not talking. The dream was so life-like that I remember the smell of his skin, my lips on his shoulder and neck and the feel of his erection against me. We never spoke. My alarm rudely awakened me and I wanted to cry. There are days I miss him so much. I haven't seen him or heard from him in many years. Not since I told him he could not expect me to love him and still date at home while waiting for his quarterly visit. I told him to stay away unless he was ready to be with me. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wonder where he is now. Last I heard he was in South America.

I'm starting to think that short, uncomplicated friendships would be alot more lucrative than trying to find a relationship. As a matter of fact, I've almost given up on love. There is a glimmer of hope, but only a glimmer. I hate to say it, but I might just be happier this way.

Poison Pen

Today I watched the movie Quills with Geoffrey Rush, Joaquin Phoenix and Kate Winslet. It's a 2000 movie based on the Marquis de Sade's stay in a mental institution in the late 1700's. (I don't want to give away the whole candy store, just in case you wish to see it too.) It's not as salacious as one might think. It did, however prompt me to make an observation or two.

The first is that people are people are people. As much as the right wing might want you to believe, we are not all of a sudden going to hell in a handbasket. That handbasket is always well-populated in every century. Sometimes I think we would like to believe that we are all gods and goddesses not prone to the human condition. That maybe demons live among us - things that are so unlike us that they cannot possibly be made of the same material and they are responsible for anything we might find distasteful. We are mired in denial and reject that which we find "morally objectionable". A shame, I say. Or maybe I am one of the demons?

The second observation I made was in the vein of blaming something else for your own actions. Take, for instance, the idea that a movie is responsible for murderous rampages. In Quills, the Marquis de Sade's sexually explicit and violent writings are accused of similar infringements. Such powerful pen and ink to drive normally angelic men and women to wanton sex and bloody violence. I don't believe it of him, and I certainly would not give life to the supposition that a bit of celluloid can have such a profound effect. I'm not saying that this material, in the hands of someone predisposed to such activity, isn't in part responsible for giving the offender ideas. But I reject the idea that any media can change an otherwise rational person into a monster.

It was the philosopher George Santayana who said "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Maybe....but isn't it human nature to repeat ourselves? To take the same stories and repackage them in modern designs and market them as new? It seems there are no new stories, only remakes of old ones. For instance, compare:

Dangerous Liaisons and Cruel Intentions

The Taming of the Shrew and 10 Things I Hate About You

or

Emma and Clueless

Nice to know your children are watching the classics, isn't it? Even if they have no idea...

So. Time to just give up and recognize our humanity. Funny. I don't feel evil...

I'm still here...

I'm sorry, I didn't abandon you. I promise.

Recently some things have transpired that made me take a step back and sit quietly. You know, just watch, listen and be completely quiet. I have these moments from time to time, and they are usually triggered when someone alarms me or threatens my anonymity. It's not that I am ashamed, but I am a realist. I love my career and NOTHING gets in the way of that. This most certainly would raise some eyebrows in my community. Sometimes I just shut down and go into stealth mode until I feel comfortable again.

I've been working ALOT lately on top of duties still related to work, but not generating any cash flow. I'm certainly not complaining - all of it has been wonderful. It's just that work has overloaded my head. It's easy to let that happen. And with the summer here, there is overtime available and all sorts of other things going on. I've also had a few days of just feeling ill as hell. I'm not sure what's up with that, but I may have had a revelation. Right in the middle of my run the other day I realized that I had stopped drinking soda cold turkey. Now I still have a healthy dose of caffeine every day (there's NO WAY I'm giving up coffee), I stopped ingesting quite a bit of sugar. My body still thinks it's getting sugar, but it's not. But the fact that I cut out a huge source of sugar in my diet leads me to wonder if maybe that's the reason I felt sick for four days. I once went on a carb-free diet and got so sick on day 2 that I threw up all day. My body HATES the drastic changes. I'm sure it's not just me.

Porter has sent me a message or two lately. Nothing really important, just a "hey, are you there" kind of thing. I'm not pressed for BDSM-type company, so I haven't really worried too much about it. My mind has been elsewhere. I find myself craving it some days, but what's a girl to do? Most of the contacts I've had lately are of the desperate "Oh please abuse me Mistress, even though I know nothing about you! Call me at 1-888-555-1234" variety. Good lord, men. Get a grip. It makes me just a little turned off to the lifestyle. I know there are good people out there...where the hell are you??

I'm losing faith!

Tragedy

We are in mourning once again. To my deceased brothers:

Ar dheis D'o raibh a anam,
Sl'agus beannacht leat.

To those that survive, those who now and forever live in my heart:

Gra, Dilseacht, Cairdeas.

If you're expecting perfect, go look somewhere else

Just stopping in a for a minute. I'm in the middle of a marathon work week that is at present beating me up.

So I'm not sure if it's just being tired, but I find myself a little testy of late. I'm a pretty sensitive person. I may come off as a hard-hitting bitch, but I really take criticism to heart. I've gotten quite a bit lately and it's taking it's toll. I deleted my rant the other day because it just didn't seem fair to vent about something that is a touchy subject for me. It makes me look hot-headed and irrational. I can believe what I want to believe, but it's unrealistic to think that I should need to or even want to change the mind of the world. I need to just be happy being who I am and let others be. And I am. Happy being me, that is. I just feel a little judged is all. And that makes me weary. It's also making me want to climb under the covers and hide. Sometimes I hate being human.

So far there's been relatively little contact for me with anyone new. I'm not sure I'm in the mood to cultivate it anyway. You may not be aware of it, but some of you out there are very difficult to keep up with. (Not that I'm saying that you want me to, of course.) Sometimes it boggles my mind the limitless thoughts and activities this life brings. I do find it excruciatingly difficult sometimes to live up to particular submissives' standards of what a Domme should or should not "be". I understand the irony of that statement, by the way. Sometimes I feel that my techniques and stories are being minutely dissected and analyzed by those I have never met. It makes me self-conscious and almost unwilling to share anything with you. I keep reminding myself that I am using this medium as a cathartic way of expressing myself and a way of keeping a history I can go back and reference when needed. I should not be worried about what you think at all.

I'll be working on that.

Happy Hump Day

It's going to be rough for the next week, so this may be my only post for a few days. We'll see what kind of trouble I can get myself into in between working an obscene number of hours in the next five days. Sorry to those of you who thought I should buy the kick-ass shoes. Overtime makes the debt go away.... and then I can buy a house of my own. The plans for a dungeon are already forming in my head!

It looks like I'm going to have a perfect week. In my world, that means I got my lilly-white European-American behind up every morning at 5am for seven days to run. I find that my right ankle hurts briefly each time. I'm not sure if it's the shoes, my gait or if I'm over/under pronating. It's not horrible, it doesn't last long after I stop running, and therefore not terminal. I'm not a fast runner, but hell. I'm damn proud of myself. I'm looking forward to the annual 5k in August.

Today I put up a new hummingbird feeder. I had noticed I was getting quite a few of the tiny little visitors over the last couple of days looking for my buffet. In between the thunder, lightning and hail today, they've been coming by regularly. It's one of my simple little pleasures. If I sit really still near the feeder and wear mirrored sunglasses, they come close to check me out. They are territorial little things and make quite a high-pitched, chirpy racket. Such balls for something that weighs less than 7 ounces.

So it's hump day. I'm beginning to feel celibate lately. I'm not looking for sex in particular, but I do miss intimacy. I know that for sure because I don't lack for available partners, I just don't have the desire to have sex for the sake of having sex. I can do that for myself, thank you. I have a lovely anal toy - my favorite just because it looks like a small, hard cock. It's similar to the one pictured at left, but a little longer. I've recently grown to like anal sex, but I am even more enthralled with giving it. I've tried to figure out where this came from. I'd have to say that it's not the anal that is the focus here, but the thrill of making someone want something they've always said they would not do. Anal seems to be the most common thing for men, so that's where I seem to have settled.

I was one of those women who, in younger days, said I would NEVER have anal sex. Right around the time I turned 27 I dated a man who changed my perspective. He talked about it, but never in that way that makes a woman roll her eyes and think "oh god, not this AGAIN". He would lie me on my stomach and whisper in my ear, all the while stroking my back, ass and then finally putting slight pressure on the sphincter until I begged him to insert his finger. The first time he refused, building my desire and anticipation for the next time. We broke up before he ever got me to the point of actually putting his cock in my ass. That was where I learned what was involved in getting someone to want to do something they say they don't want, to actually beg for it. It was interesting and thrilling being on that side of it, but it's so much more fulfilling to be on this side. Knowing that your submissive is struggling mentally against doing what he may consider a homosexual act, wanting to feel what it's like and wanting to please his Mistress is an intoxicating thing. Maybe it's a matter of wanting it, but liking the idea of feeling they have no responsibility for making the decision to do it. I've been in that position before - a total relinquishment of responsibility.

Maybe that's why Porter is such a draw for me. He struggles with this so much, but wants it so badly. Watching him surrender to it is very nice indeed.

Just passing through

I saw these shoes on sale for $39. How hot are they???

Thing is, I just can't justify buying them right now. I don't wear these things on a regular basis anymore and it just wouldn't be very responsible of me.

But they are SO cute... And lethal looking!

There's a major thunderstorm rolling through right now, so I'm cutting this short in case I lose power. They're talking about hail, strong gusty winds and heavy rain. I know...I love it to. If only I had company...

Warning: Iceburg, right ahead

I am tired. Very tired. Emotionally and physically. I am starting to feel that familiar pull to go into hiding until my mental exhaustion and slight depression is over. I'm not a "hey, lets go out and party so I feel better" kind of person. I hibernate.

WARNING: Rant ahead. Read at your own risk. deleted Rant concluded....for now.

As for the other developments in my life... saratoga wrote a very lengthy post today about Dominas. It made me really think about the impression I give as a Dominant. I don't want to come across as nonchalant or fickle. I am looking for a long-term loving relationship. After finishing my last post regarding Porter, I realized it felt all wrong. I have no desire to "play" at this just for the sake of playing. My intent is not casual and I am willing to hold out for that special person. saratoga just made brought it home - and not gently. And in related news... Last night Newcomer sent me a link to some clips by some vicious dominas that kind of made me wince. The women humiliated, kicked, screamed at and degraded these men to the point that I felt so bad for them as submissives. Maybe there are men out there that like this sort of thing, but it horrified me. It seemed to be a shining example of abuse rather than domination. Another style I can't get my head around. But I respect their right to enjoy it!

*sigh* Now I really am exhausted.

Surprises

The other day I went to a local health food store and they had the most beautiful flowers. My all-time favorite is white roses, but life gets boring if you get the same thing all the time. I ended up buying this lovely bouquet of peonies. I also walked out of there with fresh french bread, hummus, and blackberries. Mmmm.

Today was a beautiful day. I spent a good deal of it outside, even getting a little sun. In general I stay out of the sun - and that's why I don't look as old as I am. I paid a visit to some coworkers I haven't seen in a while, did some shopping, and then lounged in the sun reading before giving myself a pedicure. Couldn't have been better.

I have decided to write off Nightengale for good . I sent him an e-mail two weeks ago to which he has not responded, as well as a couple of IMs. Although we all get busy, I find it rude to ignore people for that amount of time. If you don't want to keep in touch, just say so.

Just as I was writing this, an IM popped up from Porter. He has been "keeping tabs" on me - his words. He looked at my profile on an alternative website on the 5th, and just as I was thinking how amusing that is, he contacted me. He said that he missed chatting with me. A few times he expressed that he thought I had turned very cold toward him. It was obvious that he held some resentment for the way he perceived that I had treated him when he "had some difficulties" and doubts. I made sure that I squelched that right away.

Now I am fully aware that some subs need to be cultivated and brought along slowly. That is the nature of this kind of relationship, particularly when the sub has no experience at all. Porter was always very paranoid and secretive, obviously ashamed of his submissive role and his desires. I tried to move gently with him, giving him vanilla time as well. From my perspective, the vanilla time backfired and scared him off. I saw it immediately and waited for him to come and talk to me about his situation. Instead of doing me the common courtesy of sitting and talking with me, he made excuses. The blog I was having him write was deleted even before we spoke again. Did he think I wouldn't notice? I had tried logging into it to see if maybe he would write his issues down if he wasn't able to speak with me about things. It always gave me good insight into his thoughts since he doesn't show much emotion. So what am I to think? He accused me of not being sympathetic, yet how can I be sympathetic when I don't know what is going on? I cut him loose. The few times he has contacted me I have been aloof, I'll admit that. But he has no right to accuse me of anything and I made that perfectly clear to him.

It was obvious that Porter wanted to come serve me last night. I found it an interesting diversion, but nothing more. If it didn't happen, I wasn't going to lose sleep over it. I decided that I would allow him to come visit on my terms. I told him that he would be expected to follow the rules of the house - upon entering his clothes must be removed and folded neatly, left on the stairs and he was to come up. He should never look me in the eye, he should always be on his knees in front of me, and he should expect to be punished. Not punished for leaving or having doubts, but punished for the way he handled himself and the lack of respect that showed toward me. He asked what his punishment would be. The last time we were together I used the wooden hairbrush on his ass, leaving bruises for a week. He would be getting the hairbrush again. 10 strokes, no safeword and no stopping in between strokes. Immediately he tried to negotiate - he spent a great deal of time on a racing bike and his ass was sore. I wasn't willing to compromise so he declined. He also wanted to spend the night so that he would be free to drink beer, to which I said no. Always with him it's a negotiation to some degree. He wants this so bad, yet is so afraid to let himself go and experience it. After his punishment I had every intention of blindfolding him, slipping a collar around his neck, plug in his ass, and leaving him to kneel at my feet with his face close to my pussy as we spoke about his situation. His lips would have been practically touching me, but not allowed to enjoy it. Now THAT I would have enjoyed.

Porter says he wants to come back. Not as a full-time sub, we are not well matched for that. He wants the opportunity to serve when he can. I am very skeptical and will be wary of him. We'll see what his intentions are. Frankly, I knew he'd be back at some point. His desire is too strong and I'm the first to get him to go this far. If nothing else, I'll learn new things with him. Normally I'd feel guilty about knowing the relationship is going nowhere, but it's a fact we both know, acknowlege and have spoken about. However, he will not take advantage of my good nature. Punishment first. And oh how I will delight in that.

Noblesse oblige syndrome

I've been wondering about our society lately. Everywhere I see signs that people truly believe everything is "about them". Why use a turn signal? I know where I'm going. Why allow anyone to get into line before me? I was here first. Why be civil at all? I think we all have Hiltonitis. I won't even go THERE. It ticks me off to no end.

(Insert verbal turn signal here. About to change direction...) I had a good amount of downtime at work the other day and took the time to look around me and think about my relationship with men in general.

When I was younger I knew how to draw men to me. It wasn't that difficult, but I always seem to draw the ones who were more interested in bedding me than getting to know me. That hasn't changed much, but my ability to recognize their motives has improved greatly. I also now realize that I used to evaluate most men I met as worthy of fucking or not withing seconds of meeting them. Sometimes the evaluation would change as I got to know them, but not very often. I often used to put a great deal of weight on their acceptance or rejection of me physically, and that was a very bad thing. I dread answering the question: "Are you attractive?" - obviously to people who cannot see me. I have no way of knowing if you will be attracted to me. And really, that's all that matters. Who cares what the world thinks? I can only describe myself to you - you can judge.

As for my perception of men....it's changed drastically over the last year. I've stopped caring about particular rejections, not that it doesn't smart a bit. I've stopped focusing on a long term relationship as being the cure for loneliness. I've started embracing myself as the person that most people assumed I was already. It seems that nobody would be surprised to find that I was a ball-busting Domme. That kind of surprised me...I wasn't aware that I exuded that. Apparently authority comes naturally to me. The other night I decided to test things a little on a couple of younger men. They are barely more than boys, but over the age of 21. I nicely asked them to do something for me that they really were not obligated to do and could have easily gotten out of, but two of them jumped to it. I had to smile and chuckle to myself. I find myself so used to being in Domme mode most of the time that I slip into it without thinking. No longer do I view the man as being "in charge". Note to self: try not to abuse this at work.

I seem to have completely erased the power of the male-female dynamic that used to hold me. I no longer worry about whether or not men are attracted to me or will like me. I now see people, not gender. Sadly, I find that it's rare that a man really sticks out in my mind as one that I feel compelled to go out of my way to seduce or even allow myself to be seduced. I haven't spent that kind of time on a man in a very long time. Even Laertes gets only limited headspace - the Doorman a bit more. Strangely, the realization has made me a much more relaxed person where relationships are concerned. Who knew?

So just as I was wrapping up this post, I received a message by IM from a submissive male I don't know in Tennessee who asked me the following question:

"well i was curious do you feel a man and a woman can have a healthy relationship when the woman is dominant in all things? is that possible?"

My answer:

"I don't know if it's possible for all people, and frankly that's not for me to say. I'm certainly no expert on anyone else's relationship. My goal here is to find a relationship that works for ME. But I can't see why it wouldn't work if the chemistry is right. If it can work for a man to be dominant in all things then why not for a woman? That's like saying a woman can't be in combat, or a police officer, etc."

Geez. I feel like a Sufferagette. Why do I always feel the need to remind myself that I can do anything a man can do?? Any comments?

Where is MY boy?

I spent my morning being a domestic goddess. Pre-cutting fruit to take to work, making banana bread for breakfast, etc. It's getting too warm to cook comfortably in here any more today.

So domestic chores aside, all of this talk of slave training is making me want to step up my search for a suitable submissive. I have met someone online who may be interesting, but he lives a bit of a distance away. Makes it very difficult to train the way that I like. I am very hands-on. I did watch a particularly interesting clip of a Domme yesterday and I loved her style. Her voice was soft unless she needed to remind the boy she was whipping of their agreement to thank her for the pain she was inflicting upon his ass, cock and balls. He movements were powerful, fluid and graceful - definitely worth emulating.

Yesterday MistressM left me a note asking about forcing my subs to taste their own cum. I thought I had discussed this here before, but I can't seem to find the post, so here goes again. I am quite fond of bringing my subs my own twisted version of education. One of the things I take delight in is teaching them what it's like to suck cock. I have not gone so far as to make them suck a real one, but a dildo works well. How can you truly understand the act and respect the person doing you that favor when you have no idea how truly uncomfortable it is? If I had a nickel for every time my head was forced down on a cock, or cum spurted in my mouth expecting me to swallow it... I teach my subs humility - understand what you've been asking for and what a privilege it is to receive it. Every one that has tasted his own cum finds it revolting, yes, but now understands. Luckily, in my world, they don't really have a choice but to obey. Porter actually had the balls to ask if eating his own cum was "safe". Well, haven't you expected women in your life to do it? That gave me a very good idea of the general state of the male mind and this practice is now a staple in my book. So, MistressM, I have no idea how wide the practice is but any slave trained by me can expect it. It may serve to prevent them from asking to cum in my presence often!

The discussion of penetrative sex between Domme and sub has also sparked a few new observations for me. Why should it make a man feel like he has power over a woman because he knows she wants his cock inside her but not make a woman feel powerful when she knows her Master wants to put his cock in her? Hmm. Good question - and one I am guilty of discriminatory thought on thanks to being raised in a male-dominated society. I guess the interaction hinges on the perceptions of the particular people involved. Why should I not have a fuck-toy? I think that as women we have long focused on the pleasing of men to make us feel worthy of them. The male orgasm seems to be the end-all and be-all for a "successful" round of sex. Even I have had a tendency to ignore my own orgasm - even faking it. Of course, I stopped doing that years ago - why reward bad sex with positive reinforcement? So the answer for me seems to be very clear. Do not allow the sub to cum or make the experience a little different by making them lick it up. I remind you once again that these are my own thoughts on the matter, and do not represent the community at-large.

So there have been a couple of men on my mind lately. One of them is my former master. I have no idea why. I have no desire to reinitiate anything with him, talk to him or see him at all. But I find myself wondering where we would be in our relationship had we stayed together. The other man is far more interesting and tantalizing to think about. Laertes. Lately when I have imagined a scene, he is the one in restraints. I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks. Maybe this week we will run into each other... I will be drinking him in and memorizing every contour of his body, to be sure. I have always imagined having to coax him into this life, slowly choreographing every step. I've heard some things that make me wonder though. Hmmm. Maybe I need to put less weight on what I hear and more action toward my intent.

A double standard

It's been a blessedly cool and rainy day here in "Hun"land. I know my plants needed a good soaking and the remnants of tropical storm Barry obliged. Thank you, Barry!

I was reading some of Emma Kelly's blog posts today and came upon this one on the subject of female Doms not having sex with their submissives. This was of great interest to me. When I was informed some months ago that Dommes did not usually have sex with their subs, I was shocked! I spent some time as a submissive and was used sexually however and whenever my master deemed it necessary for his enjoyment. Am I not to enjoy myself as a Mistress the way a man enjoys being a master? I wondered: Why the double standard?

I've spent alot of time thinking about this topic. Maybe I've been hasty in labeling this as a double standard. Maybe using a male sub for penetrative sex is viewed as giving them some sort of power over their Mistress and we just need to be a bit more creative in our thinking. I can understand how some positions could be viewed as "topping" positions and therefore inappropriate. "Mounting" a Mistress does imply some sort of topping behavior. I pondered this dilemma for a bit and came up with solutions that suited me.

1. Male submissives will have penetrative sex with me unless we are in a relationship, not just playing.

2. If I deem the sub worthy of sex with me, they will have to ask for it and pay for it unless it is offered to them as a reward. Payment will come in the form of lashes with whatever instrument I deem necessary. The lashes will be severe - no love taps.

3. I will decide whether or not the sub is allowed to cum during the experience. If I do allow them to cum, they will be required to clean up their mess with their tongue no matter where their deposit is made.

I'm sure situations will present themselves and I will come up with creative solutions as they come along. I truly believe that any and all D/s relationships must be tailored to their participants. I refuse to allow anyone to hold me fast to a set of rules, though I do appreciate them as guidelines and suggestions. My goal here is not to become a "purist" in the lifestyle, but to create my own perfect relationship with all of the emotion that it encompasses. Besides, who can claim to be an expert in this? I'll bet many will claim it, but how many have earned the title of expert? (And really folks, these are rhetorical questions - I've already answered them for myself.)

I speak for myself only, but I think all relationships are like fingerprints. None are the same. Write up all the rules you want, but all of us can't follow them to the letter. I'd like to have a submissive I can love above all others. That's my ultimate goal.

And I'm still looking...

No more guilt

I received a few comments on yesterday's post and was about to answer them, but thought I had enough to say to warrant another post as an answer.

I grew up in a very straight-laced Catholic household and went to Catholic school and church every Sunday. Religion was force-fed to me seven days a week, 365 days a year. Since I am (and probably always have been though I didn't know quite how to express it) a believer that religion is an opiate of the masses, I was understandably chagrined by this. I stopped going to church right after my 18th birthday. This was (is) a huge source of contention between my mother and I. I'd always played the good little girl but I hated every minute of the hypocritical lecturing that goes on. I would look around at the people in church and watch most of them casually commit sins every day, then go to confessional to rid themselves of the guilt. Even as a child I knew there was something wrong about the whole process.

My strict religious upbringing produced a timid woman. To say that premarital sex was taboo is like saying a landfill smells a little funny. I felt hopelessly guilty for being attracted to men (not that it stopped me). My mother reinforced this guilt and kept me under her thumb. Our "birds and bees" lecture was extremely clinical and without emotion. I can remember being embarrassed by my breasts, which seemed to develop faster than the other girls'. When I did "become a woman", I was not allowed to use tampons. Much later when I asked why they were forbidden, my father became suspicious and came to me later asking if I had had sex. He was sweet and gentle and very accepting. He did not betray my trust and told me that it didn't make me a bad person or dirty. I will always remember that and respect him for it. But my mother's influence was solid and my sexual education was awful. I can't remember a truly good experience and I rarely orgasmed. I was married at age 19 and the old standard of "obey your husband" rang in my ears. I was dedicated to that premise and he took advantage. In my mother's defense, she didn't understand what marriage could be like - my father is a wonderful man. It never occurred to her that a man could be such an ass. I was separated at age 21 and divorced by age 23.

When I was 26, I went back to college. The most personally beneficial class I took was Human Sexuality. That's where I finally learned that not everyone lives by a lopsided moral code. Sex is not dirty or wrong, it's an expression between two people. ANY two people. Who am I to tell you what is right and wrong? Yes, my judgement may be tainted by my ethnocentric views, culture and personal upbringing, but I can choose not to judge you. Just because I don't like or understand something doesn't mean it's wrong. My entire university experience led me to this understanding, the sex class just relaxed my views on sex itself. So though I lost my virginity when I was 18, I learned how to enjoy my experiences eight years later. I credit that very talented professor with opening my eyes and allowing me to experience life.

Now we may all be getting a little more accepting of sex in the world around us, but I'm not fooled. A man who has slept with 50 women is a stud, a woman with the same history is a slut. I have learned that it is necessary to keep my mouth shut about who I have been with. I am very particular about my partners. It's not my job to sleep with anyone. If it does not please me, I'm not going to do it to please anyone else. A bad lover never gets to come back. And frankly, I see nothing wrong with keeping a regular lover. I find that very long periods of no sex (I went two years without sex in college) make me so crazy I am liable to do something I may not have normally done.

And so, this very long journey has brought me here. I have shed the prejudicial teachings of my past and have learned that there are all types of people in the world. I have grown a thick skin and have learned to disregard the labels and judgements of others. Within reason. I do what I have to do to get by in the civilized world, but my house in MINE. You do not get to tell me what is acceptable or "right" here. Whatever I choose to do (without being illegal, of course) with a consenting partner is my own decision. (I do, however, respect the bonds of matrimony - married men are definitely off limits!) And you don't get to tell me what to think. I may not find some things a turn-on myself, but I fully support other's rights to do them if they so choose. Frankly, I'm pretty damn happy with me. I can hold my head high - I have nothing to apologize for.

Finally, I can understand completely why society views the BDSM world as unseemly. We all, at some point in our lives, have been taught to vilify that which we do not understand and I am no exception. I was horrified by some of the aspects of this lifestyle when I first encountered it. The difference here is that I was drawn to it and took the time to learn about it. Anyone who is truly involved in this lifestyle understands what love, trust and acceptance can be found in a D/s relationship. I can't make everyone understand, and I am painfully aware that I am really preaching to the choir here. Most that find their way here are kindred spirits. So a cheerful "good morning!" to you all. Thank you for being here and for leaving me snippets of your advice!

I am, and always will be, a teacher...but most importantly, I am always a student.

Whore?

I heard from Porter today. It was just a "hello" because he saw me online. I guess he still has me on his IM friends list. Since I don't have him on the list, I never really looked for him. And I didn't add him again this time either. I was polite, but I think he's getting the picture. I'm not going to satisfy his curiosity about the lifestyle whenever it's convenient for him. I don't like posers.

I got a nice long hard look at The Doorman yesterday. He was beautiful as ever and the quintessential gentleman. There is still tension between us (the very good kind), but it's not something I will pursue. I found out he is being transferred. It will be to a place where I am unlikely to run into him often, but I will know where to find him. It's a good place for him though. He will do well.

Yesterday we were watching the original CSI on TV. It was the episode where a professional Domme's employee is murdered. One of my coworkers walked in and said: "
Oh, I've seen this one. She's a whore." I was stunned. I mean, I shouldn't be, but.... This is what people really do think. It amazes me what you can tell and show the public and how much of it they truly pay attention to. I thought the woman portrayed a professional Domme in a very dignified way. The character was strong and confident, intelligent and thoughtful. It's just so sad that the casual observer would immediately classify this woman as a whore.

I'm still recovering from a week of very little rest. It would be nice to have someone here skilled in massage and pedicures. And saratoga's mention of pussyworship has not gone unnoticed either.... That is something I am in need of!

Memorials

Today I met a man who had a chest full of medals, sleeves lined with aging gold stripes and a demeanor that told me he was comfortable with a life commanding others. His face lined with age and, by his own admission, his memory fading. He payed me one of the most undeserved compliments today by thanking me for what I do professionally. My eyes stung with tears. A man, with a purple heart quite prominently displayed on his chest is thanking me for doing my job. I couldn't even speak. His scars were earned in Vietnam. How do you thank a man for serving, and then thank him for the hell he lives every day in memory of that service?

One morning a few years ago I was getting ready to go to breakfast when I kept hearing this name on the news. This familiar name of a man; an F-18 pilot lost in the Indian Ocean - proably dead. When I came back into the room, they had a picture of him up. He was the ex-boyfriend of a dear friend of mine. They had parted because he was to go to school elsewhere for a year. She still very much loved him. A few days later I found a picture of the two of them together. It broke her heart.

I've stood in Arlington Cemetary and watched the burial of the broken pieces of a friend's brother who died in a aircraft crash in Iraq fighting in the war. I've worked with men who have been sent there and died; I've worked with men recently who will be going there soon. Freedom is not free. We pay for our selfish lifestyles with the blood of our children, siblings, spouses and lovers.

These men and women protect us. Support them. Thank them.

Nostalgia

I have an innate love for old hollywood and their flair for movie making. Sometimes I wonder if imagination has died and been replaced with CGI graphics. Such a loss... This little quiz makes me want to hibernate and watch old movies all day. I wish I could. I turned out to be Bette Davis, by the way.

I was up quite late last night. It's the first time in a long time I can remember going to bed and sleeping for about two hours, then not being able to sleep any longer. I surfed the net for a bit and then went back to try to sleep more. I managed to get a few winks in between being disturbed by the noisy "neighbors". I will definitely need to take a few day's break. I go back tomorrow night, but should get a break later in the week. I've decided to donate blood as well. It's something I do when I can, but I'll need the rest after that.

Things are quiet. Newcomer was supposed to leave for the weekend, but has changed his plans. No matter, I decided to work and he's busy unpacking his belongings that just arrived from overseas. I know it must be a relief for him to now be surrounded by his own things. I look forward to finally seeing his place soon.

Whenever I seem to float away from the BDSM lifestyle, something always seems to peak my interest again. Sometimes it's the nostalgic musings of someone's memories of a partner, sometimes its imagining a particular person bent over my favorite stool, ass high in the air... I wish it were easy to start such a relationship, to just instinctively know what a chosen person needs, how far to go, what to say. I haven't perfected my approach as of yet. Some people expect you to only be "in character" when they have decided to play. That seems too forced - things should happen more naturally than that. Patience. It takes a long time to know someone so well that you instinctively react to them and can communicate the most subtle of your thoughts between you. It doesn't happen overnight. I'm almost bowled over by some of the women I have seen in the more "amateur" sites. Very demanding, not at all particular. Devotion is not automatic - a Domina must earn that too. And just because you're willing to grovel at my feet does not mean you automatically get a spot in my heart. You have to bring more to the table than that. There is nothing so attractive to me than a strong man. One worthy of taming. (It seems I am quite demanding...)

It's hot - over 90 degrees right now and I'm feeling a bit sluggish. I have turned on the AC for the first time. It has a very cucooning effect - having all of the windows closed and the cool, noisy air blowing. Makes me wish I had a cool, dark dungeon in which to leave a toy dangling from a ring in the wall. I am feeling quite sadistic today. Not sexual, not seeking to fulfill some carnal feeling, but wishing to leave a mark on a fresh backside. A blindfold, ear plugs, hands bound above his head, legs spread wide and shackled so they cannot be moved. I don't want him to hear me coming, hear the swish of the crop, anticipate the strike. I just want to hear him catch his breath every time the crop falls. I want to leave him there for a while, maybe watch him struggle when he thinks I've left the room. Watch him defile himself. And just when he thinks he is alone.... a fresh set of marks on his thighs and ass. I may be in the mood for introducing a large plug, or even a strap-on. I am fond of making my subs aware of what it's like for a woman to suck cock and be fucked. Their perspective does change so much. I think every man should have to experience it. And I do love a virgin.... I'm not harsh, but I don't let them out of it.

For right now, I will have to just imagine. I think Laertes will be the object of my dreams tonight...

Just a few thoughts

The bad news: By Monday I will have worked 78 hours this week. The good news: That means almost $900 in overtime. It's just criminal. I hope this trend continues.

I'm hoping that Monday I will be seeing The Doorman. Unfortunately, his live-in girlfriend is sure to be there as well. She's a mousy little thing but I have good reason to believe she guards her man like a starving dog would guard its food. The image of bared teeth and raised hackles being completely intentional, by the way.

I find myself lacking in the desire to seduce or be seduced at the moment. I'm not really sure what the reason is for my waning libido. Maybe fatigue, lack of appropriate stimulation, or boredom? Usually I amuse myself with the elements of seduction, fully aware when someone is trying to seduce me or focusing on a particular mark. For those I am not interested in, I feign ignorance when they come after me. I am, however, hopeful at the prospect of seeing Laertes tomorrow. It has been quite a while since I have felt a palpable heat between myself and another, and he provided a small amount last time I saw him. One of my Achilles Heels has always been a strong man standing behind me, wrapping his arms around me. Laertes did this Monday night and I quickly moved away from him, recognizing the effect it had on me. It would not do to allow him to see that. *sigh* I wonder if he is as naive as Mistress M thinks he is. One day I should have an answer to that question.

Yesterday saratoga posted this entry in his blog about the Humbler and a lovely picture accompanies it. It's been only a week and a half since I tanned a man's hide, and it reminded me how very much I need to do it again soon. Miss D has been in touch and apparently her husband has been quite bad. He went out of town and attended a strip club where he received a lap dance. Both actions were not approved by his Mistress. I suggested making him sleep on the floor. I just sent her a picture of a humbler - maybe she will acquire one for him. Or better yet, make one of canes - that seems so much more effective.

Ah. Maybe my libido is not so dormant after all....

Laertes surfaces

My mind has been a little preoccupied with work lately. Not because I'm stressed. I am trying to maximize my training and work opportunities. I had decided to get a part-time job, but I won't really need to if I expand my knowledge. Ah, what a wonderful life. I'm sorry it took me so long to find it.

Porter has discovered that I have removed him from my friends list. The following conversation took place:

porter: no longer friends?
fleur: After our last conversation I got the feeling you were pretty much done with this
porter: i just mentioned that i don't have allot of time for it at the moment. not that i didn't want to talk to you or be your friend
fleur: You cancelled our last appointment and I don't hear from you unless I contact you.
porter: sorry. my schedule changed at work and i've been working out allot.
fleur: No need to apologize. My thinking is that if you can't make a little time for something then maybe you don't want it.
porter: ok.

This conversation occurred friday and that's the last I heard from him. He only seems to contact me when he has some particular need. "Friends"? I hardly think so...

However, speaking of friends.... Newcomer came and spent the day with me on Sunday. Despite my full weekend, I had managed to get almost all of my chores done before he arrived, so we had a nice day. We started with breakfast and came back for some play time. He has acquired some new toys since we last met. Ankle, hand and thumb cuffs, a hood, a blindfold, and a "humbler". I enjoyed the toy tour, but we only managed to use the blindfold. It was very comfortable and extremely effective.

Newcomer is fond of anal sex. Usually I have to be in a particular mood for it, but he has a tendency to not ask. Last time he tried to use a cock ring with the anal - it made him far too big to be comfortable. He pinned my hands between his chest and my back, so I left him with some scars on his chest from me clawing him as he tore into me. He's not allowed to use the ring anymore. When he finally left around 7:30, I was ready for a long sleep. I succumbed almost instantly!

And finally, Nightengale. He contacted me this morning with some not so subtle hints that he wanted to deliver a spanking to me this morning. I declined. I wasn't in the mood, and not even close to being in a submissive head-space at all. My mind was still immersed in my morning work routine and some conflict resolution there. I hadn't been home for more than an hour yet. Aside from my mood, our contact has been spotty at best and my interest in a Dom has waned quite drastically. I pretty much let him know that he would have to work a little to get my interest back.

And now for boys in the real world. An interesting prospect has popped back up. He first noticed me at our christmas party last year. He swore he'd never met me before - he said he would have remembered because I'm so hot. (Oh. My. God. Does this really work when you're trying to pick up a woman? I'm sure it does, but only if the woman is keen on being picked up.) I explained to this young buck that I look decidedly different at work and many don't recognize me outside of that. It took a man I worked with on a regular basis 20 minutes to figure out who I was. I dismissed it as a sign of his liberal use of alcohol, but apparently I look dramatically different. Ah, well. I don't go to work to be pretty. Anyway, I completely dismissed this young thing's advances due to my situation with my former master and hadn't seen him in a while. Lately I've been seeing him at work often. I think I'll call him Laertes.

Laertes spends a lot of time on his physique and it shows. He has a reputation of dating only the most beautiful of women. Arm trophies. Lately I've heard that he is extremely shy and very quiet. He has been defended by others who say that although he comes off as aloof, it is only his shy nature. I think many are put off by his reputation - including me. Why, pray tell would he be interested in me? Hmmm. Last night he commented that I could do anything to him that I wanted to. I told him to be careful, he had no idea what he was asking. He said that "people talk" and that he has heard about me. I could not get him to elaborate, but he told me to not worry. I keep my two worlds fairly separated, so I was slightly alarmed by the comment. My professional life does not need to be inundated with stories of my personal life. It solidifies my reasoning that I should not date anyone I work with.

In any case, Laertes is intriguing.... My gut reaction is to play with this poor boy's mind a little, probe it to see what makes him tick. I find that I am growing into the type of woman that is far more cautious when it comes to relationships - more relaxed. I will not force anything. Let him come. Although, with his shy nature, I wonder if he will. His parting words to me were of the nature of "I will have to live with my fantasies". I replied, "Well, if that's the way you want to keep it, it's all you my dear."

I will amuse myself with this little game. For now.

Housekeeping

Well, Porter has been evicted from my IM list as well as from my list of friends on the website. I'm not angry with him, it's not that I find him distasteful, it's just a matter of practicality. I had a very brief conversation with him the other day and it was very bland. We obviously don't mesh well, and I'm not prepared to be someone's wet nurse. So long and good luck to him.

Nightengale has resurfaced. I was beginning to believe that his excuses of "so busy" were just the big brush-off and told him so. He assures me that this is not so. I have been promised punishment for my assumptions, but I won't hang my hat on that either. I suspect that the next few months are very busy for me. Anyone who wants to see me will probably have to make an appointment.

On another note, those of you who have read my other blog - the one written while I was a submissive - may remember The Doorman. For those of you who don't, let me recap:

The Doorman is one of the most beautiful men I've ever seen. I've known him for a few years, but thought he was just a little too "sweet" for me. He is about 6', dark hair and eyes and always starched and pressed. He looks good no matter what. He's always had a way of looking at me that made me very much aware that I would not be in charge. I was always the first to look away. Our recognition of attraction for one another came while I was very much with my former master. As a matter of fact, he seemed jealous of The Doorman - apparently I was unaware of how I could go on about him. Of course, nothing came of it and we rarely talk now.

I was surprised to find that The Doorman was attending the same funeral service that I was this week. I spent most of the day with him, including the long trip there and back. We were not alone, so we didn't talk about anything substantial. There was one moment where he held my gaze and I felt that familiar pull to him. Of course I still have to shut all of that off and bury it deep. Things would never work, but it's nice to dream... It was a very pleasant day, my mind wandering at every opportunity.

I mentioned to Newcomer that I'd spent the day with The Doorman and haven't heard from him since either. I'm not overly concerned, but it seems odd that he would have had a problem with the idea. It must be a coincidence.

I'm very tired now, so I'll go get a little rest. Adieu...

Odds and ends

This morning this gorgeous sight greeted me:

I've been babying this Clematis for three years now and it looks more and more beautiful every year. I added another one to the deck this year, but it will be some time before it blooms like this.

So far I have heard nothing from Porter since friday. I have noticed that he seems to have given out some advice on a certain alternative lifestyle website. Interesting that he should think he's qualified to do that....

Nightengale has all but disappeared. Very disappointing. He was one of the few men who could stand toe to toe with me and I would be the one to back down.

I was about to write about a very rude young woman who answered one of my e-mails, but she's gotten enough head time. Let's just say that karma is a bitch. Be careful, little girl.

I am attending a double funeral today. It's going to be a long day...

From Apprentice to Journeyman

Today was an absolutely gorgeous day. It was filled with sunshine and cool breezes, a fine accompaniment for my solitude.

I am most often a stream-of-consciousness type of person when I talk and write. My mind wanders and can visit so many topics that it would befuddle anyone else's sensibilities. How, pray tell, can you start with a thought and end 180 degrees on the other side of it? Six degrees of separation? For me, it's more like 30 degrees of separation. Today my mind focused primarily on service, devotion and craft. I hope that I can boil it down to a somewhat understandable post!

My brother is a carpenter. A true artist in the craft. He spends long hours on the phone to me describing his mastery of taking a straight, flat board and making it curve. Our mother used to say that a true sign of quality is the craftsmanship of a thing's "underside" - the part that no one may see. If there is quality there, you have made a good investment. He may not admit it, but he took that lesson to heart. You can see it in his work. I have often thought that I would appreciate his handmade bookshelves to anything I could buy at the local box store. He chooses the wood, the best grains, the prettiest boards. He makes sure every measurement is perfect and every shelf level. How can one watch him work and not want to take care of his product with as much love and pride as he put into building it?

A carpenter's craft is a strange analogy to be sure, for a Dominant/submissive lifestyle, no? But why should I not look at this fragile, tentative bond between two people and look on it as a craft? Something to be cultivated and practiced? When I first started looking into this lifestyle, I felt like I was beginning a journey into a dark underworld. My first relationship in this life ended badly, making me feel like I was unworthy of the devotion of my partner. I soon realized that I have never been farther from the truth.

Serving a Master/Mistress can be art. There is such subtle beauty in every act if we notice it. Picture, for instance, handing someone a cup of coffee. It's can be a very common and unremarkable act. But after studying the movements of a Geisha pouring tea and her simple act of gracefully kneeling, I learned to combine those two movements. Not bending over like an old farmer, but sliding the right foot backward while bending the left knee, keeping the back straight and coming straight down to both knees as to not spill the hot liquid. A twist of the wrist, holding the hand so that the movement looks effortless, even seductive. It takes practice. That simple movement communicates a great deal of devotion. The time it takes to master the movements is given in service to the Dominant. The journey here is beautiful even if it may be misunderstood. It was my wish that in accompanying my Master anywhere would evoke feelings of jealousy in any man that saw the two of us together.

As a Mistress, I believe that it is my job to devote just as much time to mastering the craft of dominance. Am I worthy of such a devoted submissive if I do not do my part? I can see so many parallels to the "outside" world. Many think that the person in charge can rest and enjoy the fruits of everyone else's labor. I have never felt that way; not personally, not professionally as a supervisor. When one ascends to that level, their responsibility is compounded. You are now responsible for the well-being of others. Being a Mistress should be no different.

Your job, your life, ANYTHING you set your mind to should be done with every bit of your effort. If it's worth your time and worth your effort, should you not give it your all? Perfect your craft, no matter how trivial anyone else thinks it is. And who are you to declare something is beneath you? I have always believed that I cannot lead if I have not first followed. I should look to every source for advice and learn from their experiences. In this way I can become the Journeyman Mistress.

I have many of you to thank for my continuing education. Your lives, laid bare in cyberspace, have given me a great deal of insight into your worlds. Each different, each beautiful in it's own way. I am in awe of some of you. You have taught me to consider whatever a partner brings to the table, opening my mind to whatever foreign proclivity they bring with them. Thank you for that.

A nice weekend

Newcomer arrived at about 10:30am yesterday. We spent the day and night together just enjoying ourselves. He left me a bit tired, and very much worn out. I can't deny that he does have a magic touch. He left around noon and I picked up my day where I left when he arrived.

I'm almost always a bit blue when left alone. This time, however, I found that I was quite happy being left to my own devices. I spent the rest of my afternoon shopping for items I will need to make homemade jam, pickles and ice cream. Please, don't read into the combination of the last two... Pure coincidence and I never eat the two together. I rather enjoy cooking and nothing pleases me more than to open my cupboards and find homemade versions of my favorite foods. I am, after all, a domestic goddess! If you picture Martha Stewart in combat boots, you'd be close. Without the millions of dollars, of course. If I had her estate and money, what kind of a dungeon could I build.....*snap* back to reality!

I have found that I adore my alone-time, but hate an empty bed. Newcomer is a wonderful sleep mate. He doesn't snore, he "sighs". When his burning metabolism is making him warm to the touch he stays out in the cool air for a while, eventually slipping under the covers and snuggling next to my warm body to compensate. I found myself smiling in the darkness of 2am. And, since he woke me with the coolness of his skin, I attended to his ever-present hard on. I find that I am quite comfortable with him and we are definitely compatible physically. Whatever may happen in the future, he is someone with whom I will stay friends.

Miss D sent me a message yesterday that she had a good time with me Friday night. Apparently our session inspired some hot sex with her sub husband after I left. Saratoga was kind enough to hit the nail right on the head for me when he posted in my comments that the wife essentially is "complaining about something she seems to not only tolerate, but evidently enjoy". I could not have said it better. I will let my feelings on that situation unfold on their own. I doubt I will actively pursue anything, but I may entertain the idea of playing every once in a while. Every experience teaches us something; nothing is wasted. If you keep to that belief, you are never disappointed.

And so the weekend ends. I have a few more days off, so I am essentially still on a weekend. It's not as interesting without someone to share it with. I may very well get to making my pickles and jam. The ice cream is already underway. The next couple of days should find me contemplating finding what I need in my life. I must devote some energy to finding a partner as well as prepare to make some very large investments. It promises to be an interesting year...

A Night to Remember

Last night was the first time I have been involved with more than one person in a sexual nature in years. It was far less uncomfortable for me than I imagined it would be. It was my first encounter with Miss D and her submissive husband. I imagine that this FemDom couple is quite unique for this lifestyle. I try very hard not to judge, but this couple may not be for me.

After a fairly long drive, I arrived at Miss D's house for the purpose of helping her train her husband. I changed into stilletto boots (as pictured), a long black skirt, and a very low cut black sweater. I wore nothing else. When the husband arrived home from work, Miss D immediately made him undress and put him in his wrist restraints, collar and leash. He is already restrained in a chastity device - a CB2000 I believe. He was told to lie prone on the floor with his legs spread. I gave him a couple of taps on the balls with the crop, just to let him know I was there. He has a very sarcastic demeanor and a quick, wise mouth. Although I value these things in friends, I don't particularly think they fit within this setting. I gave him quite a few lashes with the crop, leaving angry red welts on both cheeks.

Miss D and I sat and chatted, with far too much imput from her sub. She made him get on all fours and introduced him to one of my toys, a 7" long, 2" diameter dildo that we informed him was going in his ass. Miss D made him suck on it for a bit while I donned rubber gloves and tested his ass for insertion. Feeling him grow very nervous, I slid a penis-shaped plug into his ass instead. I told him it would stay there for the duration of my stay. Miss D teased him by allowing his face within inches of her pussy, knowing he would not be able to touch. There was another good hour of flogging and torture with the plug in.

Miss D and I were served fruit, cheese and crackers by her boy on his knees. Again, there was far too much input from him while we were chatting. He never stopped letting us know what "he" wanted. The pure cheek of it offended me. Miss D made him get his favorite porno magazine and open it to his favorite layout. She released him from his device, and while I flogged him with the crop, she made him masturbate and cum on the magazine. She then closed the magazine and let the pages seal together with his cum. Nice touch. However, the entire time he was masturbating, he was making all sorts of requests of me. "Can I see your legs?", "Will I ever get to see your pussy?", "How about just up to the thigh?". It is abundantly clear that this bottom is not really a bottom. Miss D does enjoy topping him, but he seems to almost script the scenes for her. It works for them, but it's not at all what I picture a true submissive relationship. Again, I don't judge. They are very happy with their relationship. But when I sub says that he doesn't want to continue if he is never presented with his "carrot", I'm not sure I want to be involved. Either that, or he is gagged whenever I am present.

As I thought, Porter contacted me last night to see if I was home yet. He may have cold feet where I am concerned, but he still has that need to explore the BDSM experience vicariously through me. I'm sure I will hear from him today.

I was expecting Newcomer this morning. His plan was to come by and play for a bit and then the two of us would go shopping for more "toys". As of this writing he isn't here yet. If he waits much longer I'm going to have to leave him and go on my own. I haven't done the grocery shopping yet and I'm starving!

War Rages

I'm beginning to notice the effect work has on me. For almost the whole next day I live in a world I can't quite describe. I will remember the faces in agony, panic, and pain pleading with me to make it better. The very weight of the responsibility is mind-numbing and when someone else takes over, I often breathe an audible sigh of relief. It's someone else's turn. I love my work, but I can't believe that they trust me with this. It took me a long while, but I have found my place. I understand that I must be very careful. Sometimes I feel like an emotionless observer of the human condition. Of course, that's what I need to be and what is expected of me. Otherwise, I'd need to be committed.

So it's no wonder to me that I choose to live this lifestyle outside of work. I find though that a battle of my "selves" rages in my heart. Part of me wants a nice, normal, "vanilla" relationship full of hearts and roses, part of me wants a slave to care for and discipline, and part of me wants a Master to use me and care for me. There's only one thing these three women want in common: love. I adore the feeling of the crop in my hand and the way a slave jumps when it strikes. I love having that vulnerable ass propped in the air, knowing what I can do, but also knowing that the poor sub is trusting me to use good judgement. There's also a part of me that absolutely adored the discipline and pain of being a slave myself. It's clear that I am looking for something permanent. Someone who will share this with me, regardless of what roles we choose to live in. And there you have it. But...I have to admit - the Domme in me is winning by a mile!

So where, you may ask, does this epiphany come from? I was the lone female at work yesterday and one of the men commented that all of the women that he knows are looking for the "perfect man". It occurred to me that I am not looking for the "perfect" man, but a man that is perfect for me. And there is a very distinct difference there.

An update on Porter: The boy sent a message that his schedule had changed and that he would not be able to make this morning's meeting. I am having a very hard time believing him. I believe the boy has cold feet. We will see.

I have an appointment tomorrow evening to have my first session with a FemDom couple. The plan is to have me waiting with her when he comes home from work. I would love to see him bound immediately upon his arrival, but I will see what she has in mind. Updates to come later this weekend.

Porter returns

Last night I had a conversation with Porter. I knew he could not deny his urges and would not stay away for long. It appears that he has far more problems accepting this lifestyle than I first thought. He is consumed with denial and self-loathing for wanting this. *sigh* I feel for him. I have agreed to meet with him, but I will be keeping a distance. There will be no more "vanilla" time, only Domme and submissive. I have decided he will not have the option of sex with me. Ever. I have also presented him with the following rules:

1. You will be naked in my presence unless otherwise directed.
2. You will not look me in the eye.
3. You will always be on your knees in my presence.
4. You will not speak unless spoken to.
5. During discipline, you will have a safe word of your choosing.
6. During punishment, you do not have a safe word.

Of course these are just a beginning. I will be meeting with him on thursday morning. Since he is already familiar with me, he knows he is expected to enter my home, remove his clothing, come upstairs and kneel on a cushion in his designated place. He will stay there until I come get him. I haven't decided what I plan on doing, but I'll have at least two hours with him.

I have been in touch with the FemDom couple. I speak or e-mail her every day it seems. She gave her sub permission to have one hour of unsupervised time on the internet last night. We chatted for a bit. He knows that he is in deep trouble now. I have told him that if he asks her one more time when I am coming to meet him, I will not come. I told him that it was time he showed her proper respect and understood that he is not in a position to make demands of her. He wanted me to tell him what I plan on doing while I'm there, will he be able to touch me...etc. I have no intention of letting him touch me at all. We'll see how it goes. If it goes well, I plan to bring Porter with me on a subsequent trip.

I need some downtime

(Let me apologize in advance for the vagueness of some of the information in the following post. I find that I need to keep some information about myself private and you may not always understand where I'm going with some things unless you know me personally.)

It's been a very hard week. I recently found out that someone I respected a great deal, a person who comforted me when I needed it and gave very sage advice, has succumbed to cancer. I will miss him dearly.

I also found out yesterday that a cowoker has lost a SECOND brother in Iraq. His younger brother was killed last year, and yesterday he was notified that his older brother had also been killed. There is no consoling him. We cannot find the words. I can tell you that if they hold any services in the area, I will be sure to be there representing our organization to full effect. For those of you who know what I do for a living, you will understand what I mean. This young man and his brothers have overcome an ubringing as a inner city youths to become talented and quite educated sons of our fair city. We owe it to him and his family to show the full support of our brotherhood. There should be no question.

And with that, I have to say goodnight. For you it may be a good morning, for me it is melancholy. I need to spend some quiet time today grieving for those I knew, those I know only by association, and those who will end their lives today despite my best efforts to change that outcome last night. Don't worry, I don't carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I still need to maintain my humanity lest I lose myself completely.

Maybe if you grovel at my feet...

This morning's run was greeted with a beautiful pink sunrise as I listened to The Yoshida Brothers. A perfect pairing of sunrise and music - perfect timing on my part too.

Porter contacted me last night. I was really very surprised. He wanted to know if I was still angry with him. I explained that I was never angry, but that he should have handled things differently. Sometimes our upbringing doesn't prepare us for the naked honesty required for this kind of relationship. And sometimes that requirement of honesty is as humiliating as any spanking could be. Porter apologized again and again. He apparently needs some time to sort out his feelings in the area and asked if he could contact me again.

I've pondered the consequences of letting Porter come back. I told him IF I were still available, and IF I were to let him come back, it would be because he groveled sufficiently at my feet. There will be no vanilla contact between us, no deviation from our roles. He will never see me naked and will never have the priviledge of fucking me. I have also told him that I may never allow him to cum in my presence again. IF I let him come to me, the first time, after he grovels and apologizes profusely, he will be punished severely. He will also spend all of his time on his knees, or bent over before me to receive the crop or paddle. Nipple screws and boot licking will be added to his reperatoire. That's all conditional, of course. It depends on how I feel should he contact me again. Right now he is not privy to my comings and goings and I know that's driving him insane.

Newcomer was suppposed to come visit me this evening. I think we will postpone that visit until sunday morning. I get off of work at 7am and will go home and shower. With any luck, he will be there waiting to take the stress of the day from me. He may have found a sub of his own, but she lives a fair distance from him. He started controlling her orgasms this week and she should be coming to visit soon. We have already discussed me visiting them to watch him handle her. Of course everyone has to feel comfortable around each other, but she is open to the possibility. I very much look forward to that. Not because I have some perverse sense (well, I do...), but because I want to witness how a Dominant handles a submissive. I've never been a witness to that and I think it will give me some perspective. I have long wanted to observe how this dynamic works for other people. Witness complete and utter trust between the two. I can't wait. I'd contemplated going to a club or party, but I'd much rather start with people I know. The time of meeting my married couple friends is drawing near, but I'm not really sure how that's going to work out. He tops her from the bottom alot - not something I would tolerate. Time will tell.

Well, I must begin my day. Ah, the mundane workings of the home. I must prepare myself for the next couple of days. Sometimes I get tired of being the organized Type A I am.

Another change

Well, it seems Porter and I will be going our separate ways. I thought that because he was so reserved, spending a little vanilla time together might put him at ease and he'd be able to relax a little. It turns out that we have relatively little in common with one another outside of this lifestyle. I was also rather disappointed in his handling of last nights situation.

After returning from going out, Porter asked if I would be angry if he just went home. I wasn't feeling up to a scene with him anyway, so I said no, I didn't mind. He took off like a shot. I had been feeling fairly uncomfortable in a vanilla setting with him anyway, so I wasn't upset. I was, however suspicious. He has been extremely secretive with me about himself and that made me uncomfortable as well. This morning he sent me a message and I asked him point-blank if he was interested in keeping this going or if he wanted to quit. I had looked to his blog for answers as to what was going on and discovered it has been deleted. Because of this, I knew he was lying to me when he said he would "need a break". After needling him a bit, I found that he was uncomfortable in the vanilla world with me and thought I was looking for more of a relationship, vanilla AND BDSM. Although he's right, I'm certainly not looking for it from him. He has too many issues for me to make him mine. I would not even consider collaring him right now - and I can't even see that in the distant future. My goal with him was to let him explore this lifestyle in a safe way with me, while I explored my dominant tendencies. I decided that yes, I am angry with him. Instead of telling me what is on his mind, he lied to me. This is not something I am willing to put up with. *sigh* No matter. My only happy thought about this is that I did get to take the hairbrush to his ass before we went out. It hurt far more than the crop evidently. He said his ass is still purple. I'd like to say I'm sorry, but...

This situation has definitely made me question my abilities to be a Domme. Unfortunately I DO care if my male partner is satisfied, and I do care about their comfort and feelings. Maybe being submissive is truly my calling. I'm not sure of anything right now, so I think I'll take a break myself.

Training Opportunity

Today began beautifully. A nice, easy run in 45 degree temps, birds singing, the river full of the rain of the last few days. It promises to be a gorgeous day.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been communicating with a FemDom couple who are married. I will call her Miss D. She originally contacted me to help her train her submissive husband. In the interest of getting to know them, I've had several chats both online with him and over the phone with her. He took things WAY too far and made her angry, so she forbid him to contact me. So far he's complied, but he's been throwing temper tantrums and pouting all week. Without him knowing she has continued to communicate with me through the phone and email. Last night she contacted me to let me know that he'd finally caved in. She whipped him friday night and took away his internet priveledges - and he promptly disobeyed and went online without her permission. This man is the equivalent of an overindulged child. His wife and I will be having lunch together today - without him, and that is just killing him. She fully intends to take the internet cable with her when she leaves the house too. I thought that was delicious!

Miss D and I have discussed having me come and spend the evening with the two of them for the express purpose of taking the cane to her brat of a husband while she taunts him. She knows (and he does as well) that her discipline of him has been tempered by her feelings for him. Since I am objective, I will not be as easy to manipulate. Porter and I discussed the arrangement and he expressed an interest in being present for this scene. I told him I would discuss him with Miss D and see how she felt about it. I asked Porter how he would feel about servicing me in front of this other sub, and possibly servicing the sub's wife as well. He tells me he will do whatever I wish. Which I believe in his noncommittal way of expressing himself means "HOORAY!!" I asked only to guage his reaction, and not because I intend to follow through. We will take everything as it comes. I will not put him in a position that will make him uncomfortable. As a matter of fact, I am considering keeping him away from others until I can read him better or he learns to express himself more freely. The last thing I want to do is truly hurt him, mentally or physically.

Porter and I are meeting tonight, and I hope to have pictures to post by tomorrow evening. He made the mistake last night of telling me "i'll do whatever you wish of me". When I told him to be careful what he wished for, he replied "try me".

He wil learn quickly not to challenge me.